I hate this feeling!!!

I hate feeling like this! Like I have to come to an online journal because I can’t talk to anyone about the way I feel without them taking offense. I know that I could probably do with some couch time and a pill to make it all better again, but for some reason I am against the idea of meds. I am sorry but bad shit has been happening since time began, no one took a pill for it than, they held there chin high and pushed through another day, at least the strong ones did. I like to think that I am strong, but not today. Today I am weak, I am tired, irritable, and achy. Which means 3 things; either I am coming down with something, I am about to receive a monthly visitor, or I have depression and am actually weaker by not admitting it to myself and getting the help I may or may not need. I really hope out of the 3 that I am not coming down with something because I really can’t take the time off work. Monthly visitor is a good possibility, but this is not the first time I have felt like this. Ok so lets go over this whole depression idea, because really that was the whole point of getting online tonight and searching out a journal site. I really do want your opinions; the good, the bad, and hell I will even take the unneeded comments.

What are the symptoms?

I am so glad that you are asking me that question, well simply put the fatigue, lack of interest in everything, feeling of anger for no reason, body aches, moodiness, crying for no reason, hopelessness, self worthlessness, and crying at the drop of a dime.  That should about cover it. Well I think it is safe to say that we have ruled out coming down with something.

When did you first notice the symptoms?

A long time ago, years ago, I started to notice I would go into a slump, or a funk, whatever you want to call it. I figured hell everyone goes through that it’s not an everyday thing. I would muscle through the bad days, and deal with the hard days. But even then I felt somewhere that something wasn’t quite right, that it shouldn’t be that I shouldn’t have to try so hard to just get through a day. Now back when they started, it didn’t last as long, a day or  two tops and I would be right back to normal. Those slumps have gotten worse over time, and will now last a few days to two weeks, give or take.

How it typically triggers?

It usually has to do with the house work. I work hard at my job, no matter which job I have had it has never been an easy days work. Most of my work has always been more of a mental job, than a physically demanding job, which can lead people to believe that you have no reason to be tired at the end of the day. Those people could not be more wrong, but that is a topic for another day. When I come home, or go about my day, I want my house to stay clean. Now I will do a lot of work around the house. I will clean and clean and clean. I didn’t always, but getting close to 30 kind of makes you relook at your house. What could once wait for another day, will drive you nuts if it isn’t cleaned that day. I live with my husband, sister in law, her boyfriend, and my 3 youngest(8,5,and3). I work early mornings, I have to be there at 4am. When I come home I am tired and would love nothing more than to take a nap, but I can’t. Because the bathroom is a mess from the boys trying to get ready for school and the 3 year old needs breakfast and my husbands laundry has to be done because he has to go to work and only has the one uniform and dishes in the dishwasher need to be dealt with and the dog needs to come in or go out and my husband wants to tell me about his night and that we need to go somewhere and do something that I didn’t know about again and there is about 50 things out of place in my 3 year olds room because she got up again in the middle of the night and started playing with toys and if I am really lucky that day before I even go to work I am greeted by the smell of dog shit because my lazy sister in law and her boyfriend could not manage to bungee up the dog’s cage the right way so it got out and shit all over my living room, hallway, dining room, or all 3.  They all wonder how I get so tired and frustrated and fed up, gee I wonder.

 

Ok I know I have kind of gotten off the point of how the slumps are triggered but I have to finish getting a day in the life of Candice off my chest. I don’t care if it just sounds like I am complaining about life or not, but there are 4 adults and 3 children in my home, there is no reason it should look the way it does 9 times out of 10.

 

Ok so as I was saying I have to be at work by 4am which means I am awake about 2:45/3am cst. I have to clock out at roughly 9am. Yes I am part time, I work Tuesday through Saturday. So I am typically home about 9:15/9:30am. I have already mentioned the my morning above. So I try to get as much done as I can before the boys get home from school around 4pm. Now you would think that with about 6.5 hours in a day I could have it all done, and you are right most days I can. And on those days the funk stays away. But than there are days when I do get it all done and still it feels like the house is not clean, or that something more needs to be done.

Alright this is going to actually have to be one of those to be continued things because I don’t have time to get it all in. Gotta be up too early in the morning.

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