Underneath it all.

What’s really there? Underneath the bullshit, the lies, the secrets we’ve covered up or ignored… the flaws that make us all the same and yet also make us different. How do you ever truly know someone? We go by what we see which is merely perception and deciding what to believe out of other people’s lies. It’s kind of hard to make a decision when you have no way of knowing if you’re right or wrong until it’s too late.

Just because you choose to believe something it doesn’t mean that it’s worthy of your faith. I’ve been proven wrong more times than I’ve been proven justified in my faith in anything.

How am I supposed to let go of these thoughts enough to let someone get close enough to me to have a real relationship again? This assuming the shitty “relationships” of my past even count. I don’t trust my immediate family with my inner most thoughts. How could I possibly trust someone I haven’t known my whole life?

How does anyone? I look around and more than half of the people I went to high school with are all married with kids. W T F? How could they possibly have spent enough time getting to know someone to sign a lifelong contract with them?

Maybe I’m still bitter because of him. This man who by all counts had me fooled. Someone who I would’ve given everything to…Someone I’m glad I didn’t give everything to… ¬†Someone who hurt me in ways that I can’t even explain. In ways I can’t put into words. Not physically, although, there were bruises. I’m sure there was irreparable emotional damage before he ever came into the picture, but somehow this man who spoke to my very spirit, my essence, the basic core of who I am… Well, he hurt me.

Shocked. Horrified. Broken-hearted. Shocked. Extremely surprised. Dumbfounded. I was in a stated of such disbelief I hoped I was having a horrible dream.

This sick and twisted bastard had broken every promise. Made every kiss, hug, and tender moment seem as if it meant nothing. Someone who made me feel like I was everything, within the blink of an eye, made our time together and me feel like nothing, again.

For nearly 5 years I hadn’t thought of or heard from this man. Why didn’t I just keep things the way they were? Why did I give him the benefit of the doubt?

Why the show? Who was it for? Surly if I meant so little he didn’t have to work so hard to prove something that wasn’t real? Why go so far and beyond any man I’ve ever known? To pump my gas so I wouldn’t get cold… What a sweet gesture for such lies? What was the point of it? To make me question every nice thing a man ever does for me?

So again I ask… What’s underneath it all? Underneath the lies. What motivates them. What motivates deliberate malicious behavior.

Do you know?

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