Who I want to Be

I have conformed to googling horror movies and “last day of vacation” ideas on answers.com. The worst thing about tomorrow and going back to school, is truly that it is ineluctable. Like, when I was driving to the airport with my dad and I was just thinking, “there is no way that I can stay at home. I have to go back to school. I can’t fix this or delay it.” Withal, I hate when I cannot control things. It’s similar to when you take an exam and then after you excogitate each answer and anguish yourself with an impending doom of a bad grade. Nonetheless, the perpetual fear about the exam will not stop the teacher from grading the test. Nor will it give you a better score!

In any way, I did not find anything on the world wide web that I can do to celebrate my last free moments. I guess I will commiserate in romcom’s and the Oreo milka bar my roommate brought me. Mostly, I am trying to avoid studying for my chemistry test on friday. During spring break I placed it in the back of my brain. It is still there.

At present, I am falling back into my old routine. I can feel my social anxiety building up. I can try to put my anxiety into words but it is difficult. I imagine it as a gold liquid. My stomach is a maze. When my anxiety is getting especially bad, I can see the gold traveling up the maze. The whole thing reminds me of the where’s my water game. When I take my little pink pills the maze shatters. Pink pills are my sanity. Ergo, I should take them now when returning to school and thinking about my friends (and lack of) is making the gold travel up.

Finally, I am stuck between who I am and who I want to be. I want to be the skinniest girl in the room. I want to be the girl who smiles even though I am hurting. I want to be carefree. I want to be someone who cares about others more than themselves. I want to be someone who sees the best in everyone. I want to be compassionate and to stand up for what I believe in. I want to be someone who is a true friend. Genuinely, I believe it is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to embrace the changing world. It is part of growing up and I am grateful to realize this.

I hope everything in my life works out. Tonight is my last day of regularity and freedom- de facto!




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