Life.

I feel like a girl in a RomCom. Going on the internet thinking that writing about my issues in life will help me figure out what the hell is going on in my mind. Or maybe it’s just all the sad music that I’m listening to and my hopeless romantic imagination. I think the real reason is I am just tired of not saying anything. Being sad is the only thing I know anymore.

I never used to be this depressed and sad. I was so happy or at least I convinced myself then I was. I was popular, smart and I had the sweetest boyfriend and friends who would do anything for me… or so I thought. My ‘sweet’ boyfriend was mentally abusive and I had no idea until we stopped hooking up after we broke up. My best friend Anita was friends with my ex and i both and my complaining and being sad was bringing her down and she couldn’t take a side. My ex and my best guy friend Jeff thought that consoling me was taking off his pants and telling me Hunter( the ex) was dumb for letting me go and that hes always loved me ( In his defense I always knew he did. We had known each other since grade school). All this happened within two weeks of the broke up and i couldn’t handle it. I was weak. I told Hunter when we were fighting what Jeff did and Hunter and i got back together. He realized then that I was trustworthy, ( we broke up because he thought i was unhappy which is true but I also did not believe in his 100% honesty policy. white lies go a long way). Everything was perfect that day. We acted liked the love struck kids we were three years ago but then he had to confront jeff. and Jeff told him it was all me and since I didnt tell Hunter that Jeff told me that Hunter was an idiot for leaving me that I had to be the liar. Pardon me for trying to shield him.

I was the newly single toy senior year that all the guys were waiting for. Unfortunately for Adam he was the rebound that I never meant to hurt. I found AMAZING who are actually friends til the end. Hunter and I had been sneaking around. He told that he could never date me again and yet I was the one he came to with problems and always seemed to cheer him up. I was his dirty little secret on his golden boy ego. Adam began talking in October and Hunter noticed and I swear he was jealous which of course made me ecstatic because i was still madly in love with him. Adam wanted to become exclusive and I thought that’s what I wanted and I told him I had to think about it because I was still weary. That night I told Hunter and that we snuck away and had sex and he was like his normal self, kissing my forehead, playing with my hair and holding me. which apparently was prime time for him to ask me how i felt about Adam. I knew then that I couldn’t date Adam, I know i fucked Adam over but I didn’t know better at the time. Hunter wanted to split ways stop it all and be friends but we couldn’t be friends we both knew that. I may have been upfront about who I was talking to but he wasn’t. His childhood best friend August after when we were dating he assured me she was nothing but a friend and I was just jealous. Bullshit now.

I did miss my best friend Jeff. I know missing a guy who dropped  his drawers is insane but we always had a weird relationship which tip-toed on the line of being friends and more than. I was always honest with him. everything but how I felt about him. I didn’t realize that until it was too late. For  some reason to this day Jeff and Hunter are best friends. He told me that that was the friendship he needed to fix not ours.

I mentioned That hunter was mentally abusive well I relished breaking all the rules in the new year. I was able to hang out with people that drank and smoked and partied.  The whole no drinking rule was put in place after I had some wine at  family dinner. I wore whatever i wanted because before I had to look picture perfect girlfriend material all the time. sun dresses, no cleavage showing (which is hard because im short with DD) and I had to have my make up perfect and hair perfect. I could finally listen to music that wasn’t beach music and was messed up and dark which is why i liked it. I hang out with guys again and not worry about being reprimanded for it. I felt like I could breathe for the first time without worrying about how Hunter was feeling and what my actions may do to cause him to be angry. I was getting stronger. I could feel myself becoming myself again. Not the weak, rule abiding girlfriend. but the outgoing, and brave woman I was.

In this whole me becoming me again I found Richard. A friend who had known me preHunter during hunter and now after. He was totally not my type but a good bad boy (pardon the oxymoron). He let me do all the things I wanted and didn’t want anything from me. It was senior year and I didn’t want a boyfriend in college and he didn’t want a girlfriend but we both had feelings for each other. I asked him to choose now or never to be able to be together until we left to go to college and i got an I don’t know and no more until a month later. He asked me to prom in May and I said yes,but then he asked me out and I told him no. I knew he was leaving for Europe with his best friends and I wanted him to have fun and not be worried about me. But he didn’t see it that way. Prom came and that night he saw me talking to my friend Taylor. We were laying on  a bed making sure my friend Jane didn’t fall because she was drunk and taking a shower. I guess he thought he saw something else. I was too worried about my friend to care at the time. After that he came to my friend edward’s party. Ed is three years older than I am so he obviously all the people there were older besides me, jane, my friend kathryn and Richard. I won’t lie I was really drunk and I played strip poker with a bunch of guys. Not my smartest decision, But I am best friends with most of the guys there now. Richard was acting super weird so I asked him what was going on and he told me that I was pathetic and a slut and i am stupid to believe that he was ever my friend when he was just trying to get into my pants but I am to much of a tease to let him do and that I screw over good guys. I want to clarify that in Richard and Jeff’s case I didn’t have sex with them because I cared to much about them. I lost my virginity to Hunter  because I loved him and I think everyone should lose it with someone they love not because they don’t want to go to college a virgin.

Richard left for Europe and then never talked to me again. Although his friend Johnny who is much more attractive than he is still talks to me but I’ve had enough of going between two friends.

Then came Aiden. H e was older and at an end of relationship to someone I knew. We got really close but as nice as he was couldn’t help but fall into the ex trap either and hooked up with his ex. I wasn’t mad. We were just really good friends and I really liked him.  But I left for college and I was leaving it behind me.

Unfortunately it didn’t which is why I am here. So if you read this far and want more It will be here. That’s it for now I have class in 5 hours.

Goodnight.

Kisses,

Ana

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