I am not sure how this “publish time” works, it keeps publishing things at strange times… but that is not why I am here. I am here to write… early, just now noon. So day is about half over.
I honestly don’t have much to report. Usual morning issues, husband can’t wake up and hates watching the toddler by himself for any length of time and I don’t get to shower because…. well, there is no good reason for it. Basically cause he says he won’t watch the toddler so I can. Took a shower with said toddler after Grumpelstiltskin went to work and played this morning.
Now, that I’m done with the meaningless dribble about my day so far. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. I am a mess of a human being. I have anxiety, and worry every day, about silly things, and things out of my control. I also have depression (seems like the two go together like peanut butter and jelly) that comes and goes, generally have it waiting just below the surface, but after many years, have learned the warning signs and how to at least, not fall so far down the rabbit hole. I also have ADD, which complicates the other two quite often. There are many more issues, but those are the big three.
They keep me from being productive, keep me from living life…. Growing up, I was always the strong one, at least that’s the box they put me in. But it couldn’t be further from the truth, at least that’s how it feels. Many have told me that I HAVE to be strong, or I wouldn’t have survived the darkness ripping away at me. But, I don’t know if that’s strength, or stubbornness. I would love nothing more than to be able to have a complete, total, lock me in the nuthouse, breakdown…. figure someday I will lose control and have one, but until then, it is exhausting trying to be normal.
Ok, I’ve lost interest, I’m done writing now. Maybe I’ll continue later.