Well, a few hours can make quite the difference in my mood. I now am feeling far more helpless and lost. I’m beginning to question whether or not anyone cares again. Whether or not it is all just a big game… maybe there is some world wide bet going to see who can make me break first.
I hate feeling insecure in my place, I hate questioning things, I have enough doubt and fear and crazy thoughts, I don’t need anyone to help by keeping things from me. At the same time, everyone has secrets, and people who are more guarded of them, are far smarter than I….
I’m just a stupid little girl, a lost puppy dog, an annoying gnat. Throwing out pieces of my heart like bait on a hook and can’t seem to understand why my heart is disappearing…. I like that image… the people in my life feasting on pieces of my heart, relishing it like an expensive delicacy. I can hear them now, their bright red smiles show sharp cruel teeth, “I got a juicy piece, extra love”
Wow, morbid much? Sorry, that’s the tip of the dark thought iceberg, but I will try to spare the page any additional vivid imagery that might make some toss their cookies.
I never deny the fact that I’m crazy…. I know I let my thoughts and emotions get me carried away with dreams. When dreams are all you’ve had, you tend to make them damn good ones. My problem is opening my mouth and letting anyone else ever know them. Opening up lets them in. Opening up, brings pain. Two husbands, dozens of ex-boyfriends, two children and a mortgage payment later, I still haven’t learned my lesson. Shut the hell up and stop letting people in AT ALL and for the love of anything holy, if you feel you can’t keep your mouth shut, walk the hell away.
My own family barely knows me, barely knows anything about me. They only think my sister is the sick one… if they only knew just how sick I really am. Granted, my sister had an eating disorder, as do I. She had anxiety and depression, as do I. She also self-harmed, as did I. Not sure if she feels the same detachment of self that I do regularly. But I know she has not lived through the teen/adult trauma that I have, I know that she has found her path in life and is better than she has been in a long time. I however, am further away from myself than I have ever bee. A single grain of sand added to the weight on my mind, will crush it beyond repair. I’m being dramatic they would say, I’m making more of it than is really there. Denial has always been their defense the couple times I did try to open up to them. I never push further, never continue to tell them the thoughts, the bad times, what’s really going on, why bother? They aren’t going to listen and if they do, they are listening, waiting to prove me wrong. Not exactly the kind of help someone needs when they feel their world crumbling around them.
So, again, I am reminded, I am alone, and that is how it will remain. That is how it has to remain or it will destroy me. The more I shut off, the more I pull away, the safer I will be. This however, has been very nice the past couple days. I may actually keep this going, my one place where I can just….let it all hang out.