Love can be a beautiful thing, it can raise you higher than you ever felt possible…. it can also leave you in the darkest pit of despair. Its power is like nothing else on this planet, unexplainable phenomenon happen every day because of the strength of love.
My entire life, I have wanted love… the kinda love that completes a person. The love that makes you feel like you can conquer the world. My pursuit of love has left many mistakes, and much drama in my wake. I have gone from bad relationship to bad relationship, all in the name of love. I am not an easy person to love. At least that is how I feel. My emotions are deep and strong, and overwhelming for many men. Not to mention all the lovely mental issues that make me anything but boring.
Most people find the things that make me unique, as negatives. The inability to stay on one train of thought, drives many people insane, and causes them to snap at me when I go off on tangents. My deep emotions, are scary and overly dramatic to people who don’t understand. The forgetful nature, ability to lose a thought half-way through expressing it. My constant worry and need to be reassured that it will all be alright…. the depression, where I feel so empty and flat, the complete lack of emotion from me, is very disturbing from those who are used to the abundance of emotion I usually present.
These and many more things, are what I’ve apologized for my whole life. “Sorry” is my most used word. I say it dozens of times a day, hoping people will forgive me, for being me. Seems kinda sad… this person who wants nothing but love, is constantly asking for forgiveness for being herself, all so she can possibly feel some kind of resemblance of love.
Is there anyone out there that would love me because of these quirks…. love me because of my faults, not despite them. Is there someone that can love me for being a flawed human being that is full of love to give. I have spent many a night on my bathroom floor, sobbing in a pool of my own blood, lost in a storm of loneliness, praying I’d see the light from a distant lighthouse to guide me back to safety. Luckily, I have learned to control the urges to cut, and no longer am in a pool of blood, but still often end up on the floor of my bathroom.
I finally can see the light, the beacon of happiness in the distance. Guiding me to a safe and loving place. One person sees me, and likes what he sees. He likes my randomness, adores my energy and cares about my stories and what I have to say. All the things everyone has hated about me, he seems to love, and although it is so confusing for me, it makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. Someone sees me, and isn’t running….someone hears my thoughts and dreams and isn’t scared off. He wants to know more, he wants more, he wants me.
Now, of course, everyone thinks, oh storybook ending, how perfectly cheesy and cliche! No, not so much. The monster currently running my life, will not let me go. I will have to fight to survive escape from him a second time. Distance between myself and my peace also proves to be a hurdle to overcome… In reality, I may never get a chance to fall into his arms, but no one can stop me from dreaming, from hoping, from keeping my fingers crossed that somehow fate will smile on me once and let me have the love I have always wanted.