Just another day unemployed.

Controlling, lazy dad that I live with. I feel so stuck. so helpless. Poor. I want my own place to raise my son. I wish I had a father for Dawson that loves him as much as I do. I feel weak and I’m all he has. I completely let myself go. I feel so lonely no matter who I meet in this new state. My stress causes me heart pains. Not having a job, no money, no way to support me or my son just stresses me out. I try to take one day at a time, but I forgot how to relax and ease my mind. Nothing sounds interesting anymore. No hobbies or interests….Sometimes I get so stressed and overwhelmed that I just go blank and spacey, and depressed. Its either that or anxiety. The only time I feel eased is when Dawson and I are alone somewhere. At a park , eating, swimming, but even then my mind doesn’t stop racing through all my worries. They are so built up and none seem like they could be resolved right away. The one time all my worries go away is when I’m country dancing.  Everyone tells me to take one simple step at a time. I do, and nothing seems gets fixed. No one understands how I feel. So alone, helpless, pathetic, and unimportant. I wish I could give Dawson a healthy life; a normal life. A mom and a dad. A house. Stability. A healthy family and environment. I feel guilty every time I date. He gets attached and ripped from them when we don’t work out. I just wish I could change things for him. With my situation, there’s nothing I can change. I’m not happy with my life. Whenever I feel like giving up, I just think of Dawson and I somehow pull through . He deserves better so I need to kick my ass in gear and provide and nurture him more. I applied for jobs and still haven’t had a job since December. It’s killing me. No one will ever understand. And people don’t understand how hard it could be as a single mother. Not being able to provide for the person you love the most tears at me everyday. He is such a blessing to my life, and I  feel like I don’t have a reason to live without him.  I can’t talk to anyone. And when I try, it doesn’t help. Venting doesn’t change my situation. It just gets frustrating trying to explain all my feelings and emotions…..  So I just started writing in this journal.  I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Arizona doesn’t feel like home, and I feel like I don’t belong in Illinois where I used to live. I have nowhere to go, but need to move out of my dad’s house. I don’t know what to do. I can’t apply for any minimum wage jobs because I won’t be able to afford a babysitter . I need a salary based job that will put me on my feet again, but no one wants someone straight out of college. No experience. Ugh I’m done…. I am just complaining on here, because if i complain to anyone I just sound pitiful and annoying. . I try to look at all the beautiful things in life that I have to be grateful for. My health. My sons health. The mountains, the sun, my car. I need to keep looking at the positives. Maybe start a list and write a few things every night on a paper. I think it may boost my spirit and my mental health. I literally feel like this is one of the lowest points in my life. I need to snap out of these depressing stressful thoughts. Its killing me slowly. So bad for my health….

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