As I sat in Carline today to pick up Matt, i could see him holding teacher’s hand, eagerly waiting for me to pull up. As I look at that sweet lil blue eyed five-year-old tears started rolling down my face. Just this morning we had met with the schools educational mediator. She had confirmed that Matthew had several red flags and was not meeting several milestones for his age. He is behind im multiple things- letters, numbers, focus, fine motor skills, gross motor skills, and many more things. looking back over five years I’ve only sensed something just didn’t seem right. I often thought I was over analyzing him or overthinking things, questioning myself as a mother, was I just looking for something to be wrong with my child because I too am a broken human. Over the years I put several Band-Aids on some of his “bumps” and done little things to help, but today as we said in that meeting I realize I had not done enough. Part of me felt relieved to hear some of my fears be validated by someone with knowledge of learning disabilities The other part feels like a failure, I failed him somewhere someway down the road. Did I not read to him enough did he watch too much TV, was I not there, not enough attention, not enough discipline, not enough slack, I have no idea. as a parent you know your child’s greatest strengths and weaknesses, but I tend to just write them off as they are a part of his personality. Something that makes him a individual and not just like everybody else. When you hear somebody put labels that typically are not associated with easy paths to your child’s weaknesses, it is a very scary. And now we are at a crossroads of what to do next to take him to next, who to do the evaluation, who to trust my son with. how can something bring so much relief and hard day all at the same time? Relief knowing I’m not crazy and he does have struggles but heartache and knowing that there’s truth to that. I’m scared for his future I’m scared on how hard life is going to be for him I am scared for how many challenges he has ahead of him. We do not have an official diagnosis of any sort, what we do know if he likely has a learning disorder and possibly more things. As a parent we strive to do whatever necessary to help our kids have the easiest life possible, but that’s unrealistic life is never easy the older you get the bigger your problems are but even at a young age the problems may seem small but their big to them. I want to be able to fix him, to just rewire him where he can think differently, I wish that I could. She said several times that she thinks he has a extremely high IQ and that he is so smart which should give me comfort but it doesn’t. Because I’ve learned that even The smartest people can be perceived as dumb if you cannot work with people well and be able to communicate what is in your head. God, please show me the right way, please direct us to somebody who is going to help Matthew just enough to get him what he needs but not so much it changes who he is. Please give us a peace when we find them. A peace that cannot be mistaken as anything else except a peace from you. A sign we are going in the right direction. Please just speak to Jamie’s heart in all of this, because he is more war with himself than anything else. I know that you have a hand in everything you do. even when I don’t realize it, you are working. You are setting us up for the future and what may come our way, but I don’t know the future and the unknown scares me. I know that I should trust and know that you love Matthew, that he is yours but I am scared! I am scared that I will do something wrong I’m scared that I’m going to mess him up. Please give me the knowledge to decipher a good doctor for my sweet matthew. please give them the knowledge to help Matthew, the way that he needs to be helped. Help Matthew to be strong and comforted through all of this. And thank you for all that you do for being a graceful forgiving Lord, thank you for Miss Beth her advocacy for Matthew has been amazing. I never knew when we first went into the school what a difference she would make in our lives and Matthews life. I don’t think there could have been a more perfect teacher for him at that time.
I really stuggling with anixety and self esteem. I have ADHD. Ive lost 3 brothers- 1- car wreck 2003, 2-car wreck 2008, 3-overdose 2014. Jornaling helps me sort out all the swirling thoughts in my head. I find comfort in it and use it as a tool to work through my emotions--But i suck at grammar and spelling. Im happily married to an amazing man.. I'm a mom of 3. My favorite parenting quote is "the days are long but the years are short". My son M was just recently diagnosed with several learning disorders- dyslexia, combo add/adhd, anixety, and a written impairment.