What’s the Dealio?

Marriage can be one big beautifully complicated mess that can tip either way on the scale of life; It can be fulfilling or a complete disaster. It should be taken seriously when two people agree to this union and it should be fought for and protected by both parties. A person cannot be in a marriage by themselves, shoot you might as well just say you’re single if that is the case. A marriage takes two people who are willing to put forth the effort to make it work, not having one party turn and high tail it outta here the first minute a challenge or a problem arises leaving their mate alone to figure everything out and provide. It IS a team effort and the base of any marriage should be love.

I have been married twice. My first husband I married when I was really young and he was the love of my life. He was intelligent, funny and out of billions of people in the world, he chose me to love. However, our fairy tale ended and cold reality slapped us in the face six months into our marriage when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the center of the brain. Not only that but the tumor was blocking fluid from leaving the brain, so surgery was needed to place a tube to allow drainage. I went from the age of 22 to 60 overnight, I had to be responsible for my spouse and care for him… I loved him and was staying by his side no matter what.

Over the years we had  many many MANY heartbreaks. Doctors wouldn’t go in to remove the tumor because of it sitting right on top of the brain stem, meaning if they were off by so much as a millimeter, if they did do surgery, chances were he would be paralyzed or die. So they didn’t chance it. The tube that was put in to relieve the pressure would malfunction  a lot which meant we were in and out of hospitals most of our marriage, but I was determined to stay by him and get him the help he needed.

There were several close calls throughout our marriage.  Finally a Doctor told us that he needed to figure out what type of tumor it was and if it was benign or malignant… which meant surgery… again…but major surgery. He could die or be paralyzed. The day  the surgery happened was the longest day of my life. I wouldn’t eat and I could not get my mind to shut up… 12 hour surgery. When the doctors finally came in and said the surgery was successful, that as they went in to biopsy it, it came out leaving what they thought was scar tissue.

When we did get the results on the tumor, it was benign… then. My husband by the grace God was restored… or so I thought. All the surgeries caused trauma to the brain quite a bit, so his thinking started to become weird, but still I stayed because he was the love of my life. We were married for almost 7 years when the tumor grew back and this time it was cancer. He would eat and eat and eat and not gain a pound, in fact he was losing weight rapidly and everything hurt even noise… His thinking had become so strange that he told me in a conversation that God told him to divorce me… which contradicts God’s view on divorce in the Bible… but he went ahead and filed anyway… believing that God wanted him to do this… and when I wanted to work it out, he told me to leave his house and to never come back. Have you ever seen someone you loved so much waste away in front of your eyes and there was absolutely nothing you could do no matter what treatments the Doctors had them go through? I have. He died in February 2007 at the age of 28, 6 months after our divorce was finalized. There were many ideas or reasons that people kept telling me why he did what he did before he died. None of them mattered. He was gone. Nothing mattered. Not a damn thing.

Maybe this entry makes no sense at the moment, reliving this part of my life is extremely hard….When he died, I wanted to die and I went to a really dark place for a couple years… nothing could pierce the darkness I was in. Absolutely nothing. I wanted nothing to do with God or life or people. Family members would try to make me laugh and I would just stare at them like a comatose zombie… nothing was funny…. nothing was good…. I hated EVERYTHING and everyone, including myself, at that  time of my life. I just wanted to not exist and tried. I wanted to be with him and I was hurting so very bad, no one could reach me… Or at least I thought….

I’ll continue this later….


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