I just can’t even function today. Everything I do or say seems to be wrong. I’ll just have to get through tonight and tomorrow or even a few hours from new things will be better. That is the great thing about my life. It sucks? Wait a couple hours and the feeling will pass. Though there are days where a few hours isn’t enough. I find that on those days quieting the mind helps see the bigger picture.
I can feel him wanting to talk to me and yet every night I turn my head away. I have been watching him and I admire that he is a kind person. To everyone. Many people are only kind to those that matter and ignore the rest. I want to be around those who are compassionate to others people view points. Like the bus driver that was waiting at Freedom Park. He didn’t seem to care that the drivers that are not driving the express route will loose their break time by the new route going to freedom park, back and then down U.S. 6. Nor did he seem to realize that there are human beings effected by the change. He maybe realized when I was like “Umm.. Hello. I have to walk from Miller Ranch in the Snow..” He was then like “oh yea.. plus there isn’t a cover at this stop.” It doesn’t seem like those that are making the decisions are even scoping how it effects us. Do we not matter? Just because I choose to not have a car it doesn’t make me less of a person. I pay for the bus fare. I pay my taxes. I would rather not pay the expense of a car and instead save for things that mean more to me. Like buying land in the future that I can escape to. Oh man. If I bought a few acres of land and had a small cabin to stay in I would be in heaven. OMG. Then these months while I am in transition from on season job to the next I can stay in my cabin for a whole month! Okay. So I have something to reach for. This is possible. I just have to learn to budget better than I ever have. I have to become my older Sister, Cari. She freezes Milk. Milk. The same stuff I am going to see the Hyatt toss away. I think about 3 gallons will be thrown out. They expired today. Just like with the bananas, noosa, other fruits and veg, meats, baked goods, etc. I wish I could take it all down to glenwood springs to feed all those poor people I saw on the streets.
I felt bad because one lady I met that was looking for handouts I was a bit harsh on. She needed cash to go to grand junction. Which is about 90 something miles away. My response was like Why don’t you just walk there? I mean there is literally a fucking paved walking path connecting all of these counties. Gah. I wish I was staying here for the summer cause I would totally do that! Then once I arrive at my destination I would just find a way to get a ride back.
I remember one time I was walking to the animal shelter and it was as if I was never going to arrive there. I didn’t know the path way well so I missed it and was walking on the side of the road. Then I thought the trail splintered up this small hill so I went up there only to have to plow through 6 inches of snow to get back down to the road. One good thing was that from the top I could see the actual walk way. I finally get there and I swear it was turn after turn and I still was not at the animal shelter. As I was walking along the river there was a hawk sitting on a post and I swear it was staring at me. I had a feeling that something was going to happen. So after what felt like the millionth turn I broke down into tears for who knows what reason and I called N up and begged for a ride home. Which in hindsight was so so stupid. I didn’t need him as it turned out but how was I to know that then? I only knew that I wasn’t strong enough to walk back to the road where the bus stop was and that by the time I got out of the shelter it would be dark and once the sun goes down it gets too cold to even be outside. So I called him and he came. Not without telling me that I was a grown ass woman and needed to figure my own shit out before agreeing. Which is true. I really didn’t need him I just wanted him there. Maybe if he had been willing to give me more than a scrap of his time. Maybe then I wouldn’t have acted so desperately. That is something I will never know because he never gave me the hours I asked for. I doubt he ever will. Oh well. Not much point on reflecting on what happened other than to learn from my mistakes.
So, anyways, I think I will say hi to that guy on the bus. What is the worst that can happen?