Been several days, but I’m very happy to see I’ve had to urge to come back and write some more. Baby steps as my friend is always reminding me. Any improvement I can make within myself, or in my life, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.
I have a problem with giving myself any understanding. Typically, as with most people, I am my toughest critic. However, I am an extremely unfair critic that thinks I should never have any reason not to be anything but perfect. It is almost as if there is a soul eater lurking in the shadows in my mind, waiting to devour me. Two distinct voices for my internal dialogue, Freud would have a field day with my mind. There’s me, the real me, the pieces no one… ok, one person, gets to see. My true self is out-going and vibrant, loves to smile and laugh and be silly, experiences every moment in life to the fullest. But in order to survive, it has had to be locked away, kept quiet, kept still, terrified to be found and destroyed. I am frail now, and almost all of the light in my eyes has gone out, but I’m still surviving, hoping to be free once again. The other wonderful voice comes from a combination of things, my mother, past boyfriends/husbands and my own self-loathing. This voice speaks in glass shattering shrieks, slashing away at my mind, trying to find where I’m hiding. This voice tells me I will never do anything right, I will never be good enough, I will always fail and ruin everything for everyone. Unfortunately, this voice is the one that speaks, the other doesn’t except rare occasions when I feel safe enough to let her out, and never in front of the other voice.
So crazy… stopped writing this entry, and am now picking it back up. I sound nuts. But I am, so I guess it is ok if I sound like it too. Don’t really feel like writing much more right now. I thought I did, but the emotions and thoughts are too deep and tangled to try to get them out now. Mainly, Mr. Wonderful flipped the FML switch, so I don’t want to exist right now, wish I could be invisible.