whoopie! cushion……

okay. this is silly. pure. unmitigated. silliness. i was sitting at the desk avoiding working on the page in 1 of the interconnected novels i’m writing (there’s time travel involved so in order to keep myself from getting lost, i’ve been working on the whole thing at once writing parallel sections at the same time) and Zap was lounging on the futon. i told her ‘if you make a single noise, i’m going to come over there and lay on you.’ she gave me a level look as if to say ‘do you honestly think i’m as dumb as you look, shrub-head?’ i pouted; a big over the top cartoon pout too with quivering lip and big alligator tears. ”you don’t want me to come cuddle with you or you’d say something!’ now the phrase ‘say something’ is 1 of her trained response phrases (like telling a dog ‘speak!’ except ALL her cues are conversational and meant to be part of normal conversation to make her oddities even more obvious. she was a weird little fuzzy before an ex told me ‘cats ain’t even good pets. they don’t DO nothin, dude.’ so of COURSE i had to prove him wrong. she sits, lays down, plays dead, shakes hands, high fives and will leap to my shoulder on command all by either subtle body language cues or casual phrases. so much for cats can’t ever be taught to do tricks like dogs argument, right?) and she went ‘Neeyoo!’ (which is Zap-speak for ‘no’ but emphatically so.) so i flopped down next to her and wrapped myself around her. she’s about the size of the average 2 year old child so i can actually do full contact play (we wrestle sometimes which is pretty silly or play tag when my downstairs neighbor isn’t home to disturb and a 25 pound anvil masquerading as a cat doesn’t scare thee poor woman LOL as she runs back and forth teasing me to catch her and trying to touch me before i can touch her. on very rare days, i can do a few dashed steps to chase her if i have furniture i can grab like a cane)so threatening to lay on the cat means i actually can. i can’t JUMP on her or anything, but i can do the mama cat curl (which is how we sleep) and if i move a bit and drape a leg across her, she usually wiggles a little to get the bone on her softer bits and relaxes (when she’s decided she’s had enough she’ll poke me with a careful claw so i’ll let her go so she can go wander around and make the rounds.) after about 10 minutes of lounging together and making a bad joke at her expense. ‘oh your head is SO soft! and your fur is nice and silky too!’ which earned me a dirty look and acted like she was going to leave and i had to apologize and pet her and tell her how wonderful she is before she’d lay back down with me.

now as a brief aside taking opiate based painkillers (percoset aka oxycodone in my case. 7.5’s 3 times a day) seriously FUCKS up your digestive tract especially the exhaust and waste systems (in other words, it constipates the hell out of you and gives you weird gas at random unexpected times). so.

i’ve never been goofy about bodily functions. garbage in, garbage out, right? if it lives and breathes, it can and will shit, piss, vomit and fart. that’s the way life is. if someone farts around me, i’m more likely to rate it than get offended and if it is a room-clearer? i’ll probably applaud while dashing for cover, holding my nose. so of COURSE at home with just me and the black and white carpet panther, i’m certainly not going to be shy about ripping one. i felt the air bubble working it’s way out and since the exhaust pipe wasn’t actually pointed at the cat, i said ‘i’m so happy i could fart!’ Zap gave me an incredulous look like ‘you DON’t say?!’ and i did. fairly loudly too. best part? it was SO loud, it SCARED Zap!!!! she actually jumped about a foot and cowered into my chest for a moment (and the mere idea of her being scared of anything is pretty stunning. storms? nope. vacuum cleaner? she attacks it. garbage trucks? she’ll get between me and the balcony door and puff up growling at it trying to protect me from it!) and i burst out in surprised, delighted laughter. THAT she knew how to respond to. she’s such a ham she needs to be served on pumpernickel with mustard and a gherkin on the side! and she curled her mouth into a smile (sure they do. if you can get close enough to an adult cat and not have your face taken off for space invasion, look at their muzzle in profile when they’re comfortable. the corners will actually curl up like a kiddie’s cartoon smile. since farts tend to travel in packs (*cough cough frat boys cough cough*) another 1 came along JUST as i was soothing her from the 1st startle and she jumped again and gave me a nasty look, then the SMELL hit us and we both went haring off in opposite directions. it was pretty funny.

 

my excuse for not saying anything for a couple days? none. you already KNOW i’ve been working on the mural.

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