Reality?

Dear diary,

I’m feeling really sad today.  Actually, if I had to be honest, it’s been a while but more so the past two days..  I’m feeling reality.  When one gets to a certain age, they’ve got to become mature and think about things like marriage, children, family, housing, career and all that requires money.  Money I know is important.  You need money to buy food, clothes and basic necessities of life.  My family has never been big on money, everyone in my family has always taken the light side of things.  We are not super well off, but we have enough for daily needs.  I learned that money cannot and should not be everything in life.  Family is.  Every penny in my family are made by us working and it’s something that should not be taken lightly.  Although not the most important, it’s a huge part.  We need the money we make for living expenses..and we always help each other out.

For family reasons we immigrated here.  When we arrived, we sold most things we had and arrived with just a few suitcases.  We worked hard as a family..I took care of my 3 year old brother at age 5 when mom and dad worked overtime most nights of the week.  We moved from a small apartment to someone’s basement.  I had Kmart trucks that would accompany me at night to sleep. I would watch them overnight as they unload.  We found out little mice accompanied us at our basement home and they only came out late at night.  We put out mice traps to catch these little tiny creatures and I remember the time when mom and I jumped onto the sofa screaming when dad and my little brother ran around chasing the mouse with a slipper in their hands.  Things got a bit better and we moved again, this time a small townhouse.  Instead of mice, we were once again accompanied by animals…this time pigeons.  They took the chimney and build their little nest.  At this time we owned a family car and travelled everyday together.  My parents went to work and we were dropped off at school.  We were always the last ones at school on the playground because we had to wait for our parents to get off work.  Classmates were home eating dinner and doing homework while we stood at the front doors of school or sitting somewhere on the playground doing homework.  Things were okay, better than okay because we could afford piano lessons and math tutorials.  I remember reciting the multiplication table in the car to and from school, while my brother counted his fingers.  We met two Japanese sisters and always hung out with them after school because their mom had to worked late too.  Things got better and we moved again.  This time it was a two story house. After saying goodbye to our old school, we had to learn to meet new friends at our new schooL.  High school and then university.  Tuition was very expensive so we couldn’t afford residence.  I commuted to and from school everyday and learned to be able to read textbooks on the subway without feeling dizzy.  I went to a university closest to home, out of the few choices I had.  I’m not smart but I got into the universities I applied to.  I didn’t choose the other ones mainly because I couldn’t afford living expenses, I had a good university to go to closeby 1.5 hours commute totalling 3 hours everyday. And I was able to stay home with my family.  Many years past by and today here I am.

I think I’ve completely lost track to what I wanted to write.  Reality.

E asked me yesterday and today what’s wrong.  I told him I’m unhappy.  But I can’t put it into words.  I still can’t.  I thought I’ll be able to write it out and I’ll feel better but I can’t and I don’t.

I just don’t feel good.  No stable career which in turn means I don’t have a stable income.  I’m not living on the street I do cherish what I have and I am grateful but I dont feel good.  I look at my account and question why I haven’t been able to save up so I can put down a down payment.  My brother is doing well and I’m happy for him.  My parents are retired.  I feel left out somehow.  On the fence.  There’s a gap somewhere…when did this gap appear?  I dont want to write anymore…

jello

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