I was my Mother’s Confidant

As the first born, from an early age, my mother confided in me, particularly during difficult times in her life and the challenges faced within her marriage.  I never once asked her not to confide in me; in fact I felt honoured at her trust and faith in me.  I would have imagined, my first born would feel the same way, when I, in turn, years later took her as my confidante.  I did not expect a response such as this (read email from my “first-born” below) and realised my foolishness in taking her for granted.

I will post a response to the email, since my daughter does not want me to reply, with my thoughts and feelings, on another day.

Here’s her email:

Dear Mummy and Daddy,

I would have preferred to speak with you both in person however I know this email will cover everything I want to say without forgetting or leaving anything out.

Firstly, I love you both very much. Just remember that always.

I wanted to talk to you both about how I feel and the rift I believe I’m caught in between the both of you.  Every since I can remember, I have been exposed to your fights, arguments, rage, insults and critics with each other and also others, namely “the uncle B and D” story. During our childhood, Steve and I were witness to the brunt of your fights more so than J, however I am not minimising the extent of what J has seen, and what we all continually see.  I have always believed I have been used as an emotional punching bag and I believe I have suffered emense amount of stress, worry, anxiety and sadness from a very young age, before I could even understand what was going on. Had you both gone for marriage counselling and persisted with sessions, perhaps much of the years being witness to your heated fights and aggressive arguments with each other could have been resolved and avoided strategically. I can tell you that S and I are now emotionally screwed in the head because of the behaviour you both projected onto us. But what’s done is done and I can only focus on changing my response now to better my health and psychological state of mind for the future. I still believe you both should go for proper counselling but it’s your choice.

After today, I have made the decision to walk away from any future frictions you both face with each other.  Any future issues, please avoid telling me, which includes venting to me.  Or I will be physically walking away.  There is nothing more I can do, I have given you both my advice and I can’t take any more of your bickering against each other.  I’m emotionally battered and bruised and I don’t want to expose any of this to C or any more of my children in the future. Or even C for that matter.  I love C and I only want peace, harmony and respect for him.  Unfortunately I have learnt a temper from the both of you, whether you want to admit it or not, and I find myself taking it out on him, the same way you both take it out on each other and your children.  But I am choosing to change my ways because I love him and he deserves to be treated with respect, love, understanding, honesty and kindness.  Those values I wish I could see in the both of you.

Daddy, today I went to uncle B’s house to support you in regards to grandfathers passing.  I feel I have done this now.  However I will not be going back again until the issues between you, him and mummy are sorted.  After more than 5 years of not talking, it’s not so easy for me to sweep everything under the carpet.  I understand he is your brother and will support you wanting to spend time with him for this reason.  But at the end of the day, I know too much to just let go and move on.  Like you always said to me, your mummy was ill treated which in turn made you feel very bad about it up till today, I feel my mother has been ill treated which in turn has hurt me too.  My loyalty is with mummy, not uncle B.  As much as I want to support you too, I feel it’s very wrong to dismiss mummy’s feelings so it’s only right I support my mother.

Finally, I have grown up to be the daughter you both wanted me to be. I have successfully completed many qualifications, have a good job, married into a good family and have a beautiful baby boy, your grandson which I even included your name daddy. I even left my husband back and went to India with a 5 month old, for your sake. Yet you both are still so unhappy and misrible. So I am throwing in the towel as I am constantly finding myself worry and stress about the both of you, which is making me misrible, moody and so so negative.

I truly appreciate everything you have done for me, and am truly grateful to the both of you. 

Lastly, I don’t expect a reply from you, and I don’t want to talk to either of you about what I have written above.  I will continue to pray for the both of you.

Love D.

 

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