Living in Limbo

My life has been completely insane the past few weeks as I am trying to grow from a cold negative life perspective to a warm positive perspective. It’s been a struggle and each day seems to be more bipolar than the last. As I have mentioned before, I have been married twice, my first husband died of cancer in 2007. My second husband, who is Filipino and resides in the Philippines while I am working on finishing up my education in the USA, has thrown in the towel and said he was done with me. Don’t I just have the greatest luck with men? Nope, uh uh… not really.

I met my second husband back in 2008 about late June early July on a mobile site. I was not looking for any type of relationship at all except for friendship. I felt it was too early to even consider dating or any type of romantic relationship at all and especially an online relationship, I was still trying to heal from my first husband’s death. I was taking a course in conversational and elementary Japanese at the local community college because my therapist who diagnosed me with adult onset ADHD told me to “get my ass in school and not let my mind go to waste”, and originally got on the mobile site to find friends in Japan so I could enhance my speaking skills and vocabulary. Not to mention make a few close friends as well. Well… I connected with Asia, but not Japan.

I came across a room that was for Pinoy, and at that time I did not know what it was, so out of curiosity, I entered the room and watched the main chat postings. Curiosity… my biggest downfall that I am grateful for, because if I wasn’t curious about things in life I wouldn’t learn anything. As I watched the postings in the room that were part English and part of another language that I have come to know as Tagalog, I decided to post a greeting. Which apparently upset some people and others were welcoming. It was then that I got a private message from my now hubby, apologizing for the rudeness of some people. This lead to conversations that quickly developed into friendship, we would talk about everything. It was all fine and going really well  for a couple weeks until he one day confessed that he was falling in love with me… OOPS!!! At that point I did not feel that way about him, I politely told him thank you and that I was going to take a break from the site, which I did and really had no intention of returning.

I wasn’t ready. I was not ready to move on with anyone romantically or relationship wise. I stopped using the site the second week of July and did not return until the middle of September, in which there were several messages from my friend saying he missed me and so on and that he couldn’t help but fall in love… and against my better judgement, I replied to him. We finally agreed to an LDR online relationship, which was also against my better judgement, but went ahead thinking maybe it will help me in some way, to heal.

Long distance relationships are turbulent, insane emotional roller coaster rides, especially when they are online and in different countries. I did develop feelings for him and we would talk all the time on the social site… we even started calling each other… yeah PHONE BILL OUCH!  And I will admit I started feeling better and was falling in love again. I felt safe and secure with him, until he mentioned that another girl had told him she was in love with him. My heart stopped… I had been in this type of situation before but in MIDDLE SCHOOL! We were all adults here, weren’t we?

This other girl friended me and started getting too close to me. It was creepy…. way way creepy… long story short there was a love triangle and much much drama for two years… too much… I was being played by both and what do I do? Book a flight to the Philippines because that’s how smart I was then… honestly I was hurting so bad and felt like I wasn’t worth anyone else’s time, I felt worthless. I should have just ended it then, but “thought” I was in love. So in 2010, my first flight ever was to the Philippines.

You know, I have recently come to realize how love is suppose to feel and be. That it makes you want to be a better person and see life differently. It is completely beautiful, warm, strong and without question, forgiving. Love doesn’t cut you down or hold you back, it lets you fly and brings out the best version of you you can possibly be and more. It teaches you kindness and compassion for others, it excites you and makes you completely happy and it feels good… Love is GOOD! It is sweet and soft and very freeing. I want to be wrapped up in love for the rest of my life, not an imitation, I want the real deal.

Which brings us back to the beginning of this entry. My second husband has thrown in the towel and said he is done with me. Why? Because I woke up one day asking the question “Do I really want to continue living life in limbo like this where the ONLY time my significant other makes any effort to contact me is when he needs money?” The answer is, No, I don’t. So in an effort to better our marriage, I asked my husband to please look for work to provide for him there because I am struggling here and cannot send money ALL the time to him. This simple request has ignited an ongoing fight for weeks… I am alone in the marriage… providing, fixing, offering solutions while he expects to be taken care of. Finally he said to me ” I am letting you go, you are free.” All because I asked him to make the effort to get a job and HELP me in our marriage. And from our conversation yesterday, he told me he is done.

I know I have made mistakes, this one by far being probably the one that tops them all. I am not perfect. I am trying to save the marriage because I believe in making it work and working through the problems, but as he so blatantly pointed out that I am only married under Filipino law, I am single in the USA and that I should not come back to the Philippines…. WHY? Uhhh thanks for a sham marriage?!?!?!? I am not really sure what to think at this point.

And yep, this whole thing IS my fault because I let it go on way way too long when I should have stopped it a while ago. I will tell you one thing, I will probably not want to get married for a long time or even at all. I am good with taking things slow, and if I do get married again… the person will have to love me as I have described above… other than that bring on the damn cats or dogs!





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