Music thumping, lights dancing, bodies rhythmically move as if connected to it all. The heat from them presses hard against the ice cage I am trapped in. Alone in the silent, cold, darkness of the spaces where my soul used to reside. Fists clinched, muscles tense, air rushes into my chest filling it to the brim desperate to escape. I scream, with every atom of my existence, I scream and no one misses a beat. How could they be distracted by something no one can see, no one can hear….
I often have that lovely dream, with little variations, but I’m always alone in a sea of souls, desperate for someone to see that I exist, and no one ever does. But what is truly sad about it, I am not even comforted by the presence of myself…. I look at this dream from afar, like many things that tie deeply to my emotions, detached from myself, not even I can recognize this pitiful creature.
I am a truly messed up individual. Sure we all get that detached feeling every now and then. But most people look in a mirror and see themselves looking back…. most people recognize the reflection. For me, a stranger, someone who doesn’t look quite human, looks back, certainly not what I feel I look like… Not normal folks.
Well, that’s a juicy little tidbit for this evening. We’ll save more insanity for another day, or later, depending on how far down the rabbit hole I fall this evening.