Tired of the BS

I honestly don’t know what the hell to do anymore!!! Been together over a year now and I tell him, despite what his whole family seems to think, I don’t NEED him to do things for me. Then he gets mad at me! Acting like he wants me to need him… Then, when he has my car fixed for me without me asking him to do it (because I really didn’t want him to) he gets mad and apparently feels the same way everyone else does – that I need him or only want money from him. Plus, getting pissed off at me for deciding to quit my job, which I told him for several months that I wanted to do this (especially for my summer semester). I can’t win for losing with him! It has seemed like every day here lately is a struggle to get him to actually carry on a conversation with me. Even though I have told him over and over again that I have been feeling like something is wrong. Like he is even less in love with me than before. (And considering that he was never actually IN LOVE with me in the first place, it’s somehow getting worse.) I feel like he is looking for any and every reason to leave me…
Everyone tells me, “you’re supposed to communicate with each other” and “don’t let things build up and get worse before you talk about it,” but how am I supposed to do any of these things if I can’t get him to talk? Even when we finally talk, it’s more like he’s either texting someone else, watching tv, or talking to someone and not even paying half attention to me.
All I want out of him – this relationship – is for him to TRULY love me. Love me like he seemed to in the beginning. (Unless it was all a lie). I want him to be as sure with me as he was the “crazy bitch”. I mean damn! He supposedly knew after only being with her a few months that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. But after only a few months of being with me, he all of the sudden never wants to get married… ? Seriously? Like, what about me is so fucking horrible that you have to change your whole life goals just while dating me? Am I really that horrible?!
I’m trying to change “me”. I’m trying to have a more positive out-look on things… life in general! But I can’t help if I feel like every step forward I try to make, I’m getting knocked back 12 feet! I mean, I finally get a car, and it breaks down. I finally get internet, and I’m still failing classes. My car gets fixed, and the battery dies. I have an opportunity to pass the classes I’m failing, but it seems impossible! I am trying so hard to change!!! But 26 years of what I know, what I feel, how I’ve ALWASYS been isn’t going to change overnight! I need support! I need encouragement! I need to feel loved! I can’t do any of this on my own. Even with the help of God, I need human interaction and someone to help boost my confidence! Someone to rub a little of their positivity off on me!

One thought on “Tired of the BS”

  1. I really liked the end of your journal. Sometimes in life we need people to encourage us, to tell us that we doing good in something or just say i love.

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