Yesterday I received the phone call alerting me that my divorce had been finalized.
It’s strange. I spent four years loving him. Four years doing whatever I could to make him happy. In the end, I wasn’t enough to fulfill him, nor was he enough to fulfill me.
It’s strange. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I see so many warning signs, so many red flags but when you’re 20 years old, the future seems so far away, and the consequences seem conquerable.
I come from a hyper religious, hyper conservative background, and posting on other forms of social media about this particular subject, simply isn’t an option for me. See, I don’t want to say anything which could unintentionally and unnecessarily hurt people who I love or once loved. Also, there’s some things I need to get off my chest, things I need to put down in text in order to let go in my heart.
I loved my husband. I loved him desperately, fully and completely. It’s hard to say that to anyone in my life, because I was the one who left.
It’s hard for people to understand that you can love someone AND choose to leave. However, people also question women’s sanity when their significant other beats them. Odd conundrum there.
My husband never beat me physically. He never intentionally caused me grief. At least… I don’t believe any of it was intentional. I’m no psychic.
No, my husband was emotionally abusive. He broke my heart over and over and over again, ripped my hopes and dreams for our future to shreds, and gave me nothing to replace them with except depression, anger and denial.
I loved him.
I love him. I still do. I’m glad I do. Everyone deserves to be loved. No matter what sort of terrible things they may have done, they deserve love.
Which does not mean they deserve the opportunity to do those same terrible things again, ever.
No. I love my ex-husband, and I truly, truly wish him the best. I hope he finds what he needs to be happy, because God knows, it wasn’t me.
As for my state of being, I am happy. I moved out quite some time ago, told my now-ex that I was going to start dating, and proceeded to do so.
I am now dating a man who is indescribably wonderful to me. It takes my breath away how kind and generous and caring he is. After spending so much time walking on egg shells and trying to play psychic, after working so hard to make someone happy who simply did not want to be happy, the relationship I’m in now is so… easy.
Which is not to say “good relationships are easy, bad relationships are hard”. Every relationship is different because everybody is different. Just for me, in my current relationship, I knew what I wanted going in: I wanted a relationship where I could express myself honestly and completely without fear. I wanted to be able to talk about everything–past relationships, family issues, work, money, sex, bucket lists, dreams, hopes, everything–and not feel awkward or ashamed or judged about any of it. I have expressed this very thoughts to my current partner, to which he expressed huge relief, because those are the very same things he wanted in a relationship as well.
I was very, very lucky to find him. I am very, very blessed to have him. What I have with My Man is rare and beautiful and precious, and I never want to take it or him for granted.
I pray that my ex finds the love, acceptance, and peace that I have.
All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I realize now, I can’t make anyone happy. People are either going to be happy with me, or not, and nothing I do can change that.
I am so relieved to have found someone who is happy to be with me just as I am, and just as I am not, not asking for more than I am willing to give, and perfectly pleased with what I choose to offer. I love him. I love my ex-husband, certainly differently now, and still I love him. I hope he finds someone who will love him like My Man loves me; warts and all, asking for nothing more than he is.
This is my prayer. Goodnight.