i’m used to it..

At this point.. i do not even know if i’m depressed about all sorts of things. OR if its just me being emotional because i’m on my monthly cycle. tmi sorry.. but it confuses me a lot and i just want to cry my eyes out. Today my mom wrote me a letter and left it on my counter when i got home.. we got in a huge argument and well.. she never writes letters. She wanted to let me know she loves me and cares about me.. how she messed up on how she raised me.. giving me everything i wanted… but i know that wasn’t the only mistake she had done.. As a child i got everything i wanted whenever i wanted.. toys, food and clothes.. I never got the kind of love a child should get from their parents.. When i was a teenager.. i was not able to call my mother “bestfriend” like every other girl calls their mom.. My mother was never a person i could open up too.. maybe because she would always say something that would hurt my feelings like “oh you’re so stupid stop fucking crying” or “only dumb a** girls cry for stupid shit like that.”

It makes me wonder if it was to make me strong..

In someways, i feel like it did but then again.. it didn’t. I can never say i had a mother always there for me.. My parents raised me with money. Even though they weren’t rich they showed me love by buying me things instead of just showing it to me.. Mmmm.. maybe thats why i have such a bad habit in being spoiled. To be honest i hate being spoiled. It reminds me that i was never really loved by my parents the way i should have been. I feel so horrible for being such a bitch to them but i also feel like its the way i should be.,.. i never really opened up to anyone. Besides two people.. my cousin’s girlfriend and my boyfriend.. Everything else i keep inside me bottled up. Sometimes i wish i had a real mom. A mom i can laugh with and tell all my secrets to.. A mom i can cry to and she can just brush her fingers through my hair and tell me it will be okay, That will never happen. Its just a fantasy of mine where i have that kind of mom. My mom is the kind of mom i would never be when i have kids. Im kind of glad shes the way she is.. so i know what not to be like when i have kids of my own. Yeah its depressing but hey.. I am basically used to it.

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