Nothing seems to be working much anymore. Tommy actually talked to me today, I didn’t really expect him to with the whole “I Need Space” thing. But I’m starting to loose it.
I couldn’t stay in school today. I was having another day where I’m upset for no reason. I forgot to take my medication this morning, so that might be the reasoning for it. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I slept for hours when I came home.
I’m becoming really afraid of loosing Tommy. He finally told me what’s been going on. I understand why he told me he needed space. However I was just on the phone with my best friend, Jane, and while I was getting off the phone with her I suddenly thought of Tommy. Once she hung up I started to cry.
Now I’m here writing because I know now that I am falling for him. I tried so hard not to start falling for him, and now I don’t even know if he feels the same. I’ve given up a lot to be with him. I was actually with someone else when we started talking. I had a crappy boyfriend before him. His name was Joey.
Now I met Joey online and we started to talk as friends. After a few weeks I started to really like him. Things were going perfect and I would Skype with Joey every night. But as soon as we started to actually date things changed. Joey would ignore me for a few days. I’d get angry and I’d text him telling him that I wanted to break up and just be friends. Then a few hours after i sent the text he would call me saying “Jamie please don’t break up with me. I’ll change I promise. Tomorrow I’ll stay home and we can Skype all day. I love you” and just like that I’d forgive him. But things would never change I wanted attention and I wanted to actually feel loved.
That is when Tommy came along. He posted a status on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to talk. So I messaged him and then it turned to flirting and finally we decided to meet up and hang out.
Reminding you I was still with Joey at this time, but none of my friends knew about him so I just wanted to see how me and Tommy were together before I made any decisions. Now that night turned out perfect with Tommy and I knew i had to break things off with Joey. So I sent him a text breaking up with him for good and I didn’t take no for an answer and he never said anything back.
Joey still doesn’t know about Tommy and Tommy has no clue that Joey even exists. But I gave up something that if I actually would of put effort into might have worked out to be with him. Sure I am a lot happier but i need to know that this is the real deal. That he isn’t just playing with my heart like every other person I’ve been with has done.
Right now I don’t know what to believe. I feel like everything around me is falling apart like everything else in my life has done. I feel like I was walking on water in the middle of the ocean and all of a sudden I just drop and sink like an anchor. I feel like I’m failing at being his girlfriend because I can’t be there for him when he needs me and also like he doesn’t want me to be there. I’m drowning in my own mind.