I’m Drowning

Hello there,

Nothing seems to be working much anymore. Tommy actually talked to me today, I didn’t really expect him to with the whole “I Need Space” thing. But I’m starting to loose it.

I couldn’t stay in school today. I was having another day where I’m upset for no reason. I forgot to take  my medication this morning, so that might be the reasoning for it. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I slept for hours when I came home.

I’m becoming really afraid of loosing Tommy. He finally told me what’s been going on. I understand why he told me he needed space. However I was just on the phone with my best friend, Jane, and while I was getting off the phone with her I suddenly thought of Tommy. Once she hung up I started to cry.

Now I’m here writing because I know now that I am falling for him. I tried so hard not to start falling for him, and now I don’t even know if he feels the same. I’ve given up a lot to be with him. I was actually with someone else when we started talking. I had a crappy boyfriend before him. His name was Joey.

Now I met Joey online and we started to talk as friends. After a few weeks I started to really like him. Things were going perfect and I would Skype with Joey every night. But as soon as we started to actually date things changed. Joey would ignore me for a few days. I’d get angry and I’d text him telling him that I wanted to break up and just be friends. Then a few hours after i sent the text he would call me saying “Jamie please don’t break up with me. I’ll change I promise. Tomorrow I’ll stay home and we can Skype all day. I love you” and just like that I’d forgive him. But things would never change I wanted attention and I wanted to actually feel loved.

That is when Tommy came along. He posted a status on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to talk. So I messaged him and then it turned to flirting and finally we decided to meet up and hang out.

Reminding you I was still with Joey at this time, but none of my friends knew about him so I just wanted to see how me and Tommy were together before I made any decisions. Now that night turned out perfect with Tommy and I knew i had to break things off with Joey. So I sent him a text breaking up with him for good and I didn’t take no for an answer and he never said anything back.

Joey still doesn’t know about Tommy and Tommy has no clue that Joey even exists. But I gave up something that if I actually would of put effort into might have worked out to be with him. Sure I am a lot happier but i need to know that this is the real deal. That he isn’t just playing with my heart like every other person I’ve been with has done.

Right now I don’t know what to believe. I feel like everything around me is falling apart like everything else in my life has done. I feel like I was walking on water in the middle of the ocean and all of a sudden I just drop and sink like an anchor. I feel like I’m failing at being his girlfriend because I can’t be there for him when he needs me and also like he doesn’t want me to be there. I’m drowning in my own mind.

~Jamie Grace

One thought on “I’m Drowning”

  1. I’d post an in-depth reply of some sort, but I’m assuming you’ll post an update sometime soon, which could make much of what have to say completely irrelevant!

    Anyways, I’ll be sure to read all of your posts from now on (but I may or may not always reply). Either way, there’s always someone who cares what you have to say (me). Haha

    Also, Have you ever seen V for Vendetta?

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