Day One

It’s 3AM or thereabouts anyway. I have to be up in five hours and fifteen minutes in order to load a moving truck and then drive about 500 miles (or at least for 7 hours 20 minutes; I always prefer to measure driving in time, but most everyone else prefers miles and who am I to judge?) My brain is trying to catastrophize. “Aaah, you are going to stay up late and then drive maybe 50 miles and then die in a car accident as you sleep and kill your cats that are going to be in the car with you. Or worse, you will die in a car accident 400 miles from home and no one will recognize your body and they’ll just sigh about the poor strange girl who died in Missouri.”

I’m debating making this private, but I don’t see the point, as none of my friends or family will find this and read this.

I’m moving across country. It’s three nights in a hotel, four days of driving from 7 to 10ish hours. I keep doubting every second. I doubted leaving my Mom’s house today and want to cry for leaving. I keep doubting my job or my commitment to being out west. I love it out there. I love my friends. I don’t like the job I’ve picked up but it’s tolerable until I can get a better one. (Catastrophizing again: what if I never do? What if I’m a cashier forever? What if I never make more than ten cents over minimum wage and I’m a loser and I get kicked out of my apartment and my friends dump me because I suck so much?) But I know here. I know what it’s like here. I know what is expected here.

And I do out there too. I’ve lived there now for 6 months, crashing on a friend’s couch but what does that MEAN? AAAH.

I’ve been worried about my apartment, but I’ve had 5 people assure me that if I end up homeless I’m on their couch no problem. But still, I worry. What if they can’t put me up for some reason? What if they can’t put up my roommate for some reason? What if the place I’m hoping to store our stuff for two and a half weeks calls back and wants four hundred dollars of rent for a month? What if the place we’re getting an apartment lets us move in a day early on May 31st and demands May rent as well as June even though it’s just 24 hours and pro-rated rent of $1200 for 31 days is really only $38 a day so we shouldn’t have to pay $1200 for the full month of May when we’re only there one day.

Anyway, it’s not even confirmed we’d have the apartment then.

The E key on my laptop keeps falling off and it’s driving me crazy.

I’ve not slept well in weeks. I’ve not ate well in weeks. I’ve not done anything well in weeks.

My throat is sore. I think I have a cold coming on which is no good.

My stomach is twisting because of the stress.

I dream of all this being over. And it will be, probably like, June 5thish because then we’ll be moved and working and things will be okay, but dear god the weeks until then are hairpulling.

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