It’s kindda hard to tell this story Kids, but I’ll try and sum it up for you.
Remember how I told you we used to use MSN to chat in my days?… Well, before MSN even existed, the way we would meet people online, was through chatrooms, and in the year 2000 viarosario.com was a really popular website to go online and chat with strangers. Someday around that year, I met that guy who would “always be there”.. and I’ll explain what I mean in a second.
From the moment I met this guy online, we would chat a lot, and we became what we used to call “cyber friends”, but we did not meet in person up until years later, and by years I mean 7 years or so. There were months in which we wouldn’t even say hi, but then thought of the other and made an appearance to check how we were doing.
He had a girlfriend for over 6 years.. that I guess might’ve been one of the reasons why we didn’t talk as much. Several times, in which we would stay up late chatting, he mentioned he kindda felt something for me.. meaning he would get these feelings anytime we started talking for a long time, and I won’t lie… same thing used to happen to me too, but we never really gave much importance to that cause it was nothing really, maybe just an illusion cause we really got along.
There was this one time we went to the movies together, probably one of the first times we saw each other. We saw a horror movie, you know how much I hate those!… but still, I had a good time with him. We had dinner at McDonald’s and Burger King before the movie… it was OK, but nothing really happened, it was just two friends going out.
Years passed, he broke up with his girlfriend, and in 2009, after I broke up with Martin (you remember him, right?.. the one with the unreasonable ball-kicking) we started getting together to watch movies almost every Saturday night. Aunt Mariana, who never really liked this guy, would always tell me he wanted more than just to watch movies with me… but since we had done it for weeks, I thought he didn’t; Wrong.
After months of movies, I finally realized I started to have feelings for him… and he, I don’t really know, I don’t think he ever did have feelings for me, but he certainly did want to sleep with me… and not only sleep.. I know you know what I mean.
One day, we met at your granpa’s place, since he was out on a trip, we played some videogames, and after, well.. it happened.
After that first time, we met a couple of times more, just a couple… and then he disappeared. He wouldn’t get online on MSN, he wouldn’t text me… nothing at all.. So I started feeling really blue. I talked to him about how I felt, and I began to feel weak every time I talked to him… So, anytime he’d ask me to get together, I’d say yes… We would meet, and sleep together, and then he’d disappear again, or he’d be cold to me… and even though it was hurting me, I did not have the strength to say NO… He, on his side, was OK with having a good time with me, then not showing up, and then whenever he wanted to see me doing so… It finally came a day, in which I was not able to stand how sad, miserable and used I felt.. and I told him to never contact me again… Of course, this didn’t last long… and also, I asked this to him maaaany times since he never kept his promise of completely disappear from my life… Months went by, I started dating other guys, sometimes would start relationships, and he would always text me to see how I was.. to check what was going on in my life… and sometimes, if I was not seeing anyone, we would meet and do what we did best -yes, sex-. It was OK now, my feelings for him were completely gone. I was able to enjoy being with him as a fuckbuddy, with no strings attached… and that was great, because I would have the best time, with someone I felt really comfortable with.. and who I liked being with.
Kids, don’t ask me how that is possible… I swear I was very much in love with this guy, and I got really hurt and felt terrible… but time… I don’t know, time… was all it took to kill those feelings. Maybe it was how he behaved, that also helped but you know I’m not resentful nor spiteful.. and it didn’t feel wrong to keep seeing him. For some reason, again, don’t ask why… Every time I’m not feeling OK with the relationship I’m in, I come to him… sometimes just for him to be there, and listen to me… and sometimes, after the break up; seeing him and being with him makes me feel better. Nonsense much?…
Why is this entry called “The never ending story”?… Because it’s been almost half of my life since I’ve known this guy, and still… he’s always there.. after what we’ve been through, after all the times I told him to fuck off, after all our love stories with other people… He’s always there, and he’s always in my mind in many and different ways.. and I know, that even though he might’ve never loved me, he really does care about me.