the lawnmower guy arrived at 11am left at 1140am

i had a visitor the other morning, sitting at the desk, minding my own business and THIS beast comes flying right at my face buzzing angrily. i vaulted over the bookcase (about hip height) next to the desk with an undignified yelp, jumped the coffee table like a steeplechaser spun up against the front door, reaching into the umbrella stand. my fingers closed around my bo stav (yes really. there’s a blow gun in there too! no umbrella’s though. mostly walking canes and crutches. but there’s also a set of crystal headed cane/baton things i’ve been working with more off than on in there too and an antique travelor’s easle i keep meaning to repair.) having left my cane across the room, i’m using it as a walking stick, panting ‘where are you, you stripety son of a bitch?’ i growled, Zap crouching in front of me growling, tail lashing.

“buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!bzzzbzzzbUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!” came the answer.

i snatched the can of wasp spray my little brother Justin had left for me (Just-in-case) and gave it a solid 10 second barrage of the spray, cackling. “Bahahahahaha die motherfucker!”

“BUZZZZZUZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUZZZZZZZ!” it bumbled into the plate glass door and tumbled down to the door well.

“Not bad, Jus. Not bad at all.” i blew across the front of the can like a gunslinger and started to turn to put it back on the computer tower.

“merruh” Zap told me. she looked up at me, then over at the door.

“yeah, give it a second before you go out there, let the fumes dissipate a little. i’ll give you some snacks.” I offered.

“SNACKS?” Zap echoed, stretching up on her hind legs, front paws up on the book case and i threw the bo stav back across the room like a spear. SHUNK! clatter clatter. right. 2 points.

“buzzzz?” it sounded almost groggy.

“What. the. flying. fuck?” i spun around in time to see the thing lift off and starts going back up the glass door like it’s using it to guide it self; a drunk with 1 hand dragging along a wall to stay upright.

“take 2.” I spun back with the can and hit it with another 7 second burst. it fell again hard, twitching for a moment, then went still. “Okay then.”

i set the can on the desk and sat down to open the treat jar for Zap. “Here you go Zap.” I tossed several onto the futon currently a sofa and she lept up to get them.

“BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and it lifted straight up off the floor and headed right after me again.

i yelped and scooted backwards in my chair, snatching the can and spraying it again full on for 6 solid seconds. it dropped and i used a pair of hemostats to put it into a jar so i could show the landlord.

it sits in that airtight jar all day (i’ve used it to transport milk to make tea on cold mornings of research at the library.) soaked and i mean soaked in poison. when Chris got home, i stuck the jar in my dress pocket and brought it down to show them. Landlord swung by in the evening and i showed it to him. he was duly impressed by the size (i’d described it as the size of a small mouse, but it flies! and they can sting!and i’m extremely allergic to this sort of thing. i’d need a med-alert bracelet that says in case of sting call coroner. 😉 )

so this morning i’d emailed Jus to ask him about getting a picture of the thing because my webcam is crap and his cellphone takes photos while mine does not. (it makes a decent paperweight though if it’s breezy and i’ve got the balcony door open) he pinged me back and strolled over. me, being me, played the Who’s Boris the Spider as he walked in just to be funny. i set up the picture you see above (That’s the base of a lamp. intriquing, nicht wahr?) grabbed a pencil for scale and Just came over to take the photo. “Bring it more over here. i wanna see it real good. let me see the colours on it”

that’s when it happened. it FLEXED!!!!!!!! entire body curled up and back like someone stretching and the legs wriggled, scrabbling for purchase on the air.

dead silence from both of us, then a collective gasp “WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!’

“It moved! It’s still fucking twiching, Parah! Flush it flush it!” Jus yelped.

“Did you get the picture!!!!!????” My eyes are fastened hypnotized mouse sized insect with this nasty looking stinger sliding in an out as it gets madder and madder. it can’t buzzz as i have it’s wings pinned with the tweezers!

“Man! It’s fucking moving!” Jus said.

“DID. YOU. GET. THE. PICTURE?” i snapped.

“Yeah yeah. got it got right before it moved. it was probably the flash that woke it up. go go!” He yelped.

i jumped over the coffee table, dropped it into the toilet and flushed, watching till it went down.


i’ll try to get some pain journals up this afternoon as well, but i just had to tell you about that.



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