Days like today never end, each second passes with such a heavy, dragging, resistance that time almost seems to stand still. This kind of pain consumes you like my food addicted ass can consume a jar of peanut butter. Everyone has it, the unanswered questions, the longing, the rejection, the raw, unpleasant emotions we all are draped in from time to time. Mine always seems to go a step further than most.
Of course, when you have such profound darkness in you, of course your dark would be far darker than others. Most people don’t long for physical pain to make the emotional pain just a wee bit softer. Most people don’t reserve themselves to being a human punching bag for eternity. Those damaged few of us that do, have days like today, that can turn into weeks, months, years.
Being faced with a dream shattering reality is never easy. I seem to have it happen every single time I dare to dream. Silly girl, why would you think you deserve to have dreams come true? He was right about me all along, no one else will want me, no one else will love me, I am lucky to have my monster. I know it isn’t true, I know all of the psychological babble behind all of it. But I am having a soul shredding day, so I refuse to see it as anything but my fate. Perhaps in another life, I used my powers for evil and am paying in this one. Who knows, who cares, it hurts.
Every second, I feel my heart lose a little strength as I bleed out all the emotions through the gaping wound in my heart…all figurative of course, my days of self-harm are long gone. However, the urge, the desire, the longing, will always be there.
Not that it matters what I do, I could be on fire and people would stop to watch the show. Days like today really suck.