tired

Here goes nothing. I hate not being in control and I never feel in control. I have been off and on with my high school sweetheart since I was 15, im now 21. We use to have it all together. .. and now everything is a mess. I feel a lot of anger towards him, I do not get the respect I deserve. He use to be so sweet but now we are in war. I love him so much that every time I think it would be better off if I just leave and end it, I end up missing him so deeply and I start to feel scared of the world and depressed. I made him my everything. And now I feel as if I have nothing. Not him, Not my piece of mind, Not my mom. I live in San Antonio TX with him and his family. None of my family lives here in TX. He doesn’t like me to have friends he he wont let me have a phone and I feel trapped I feel like he wants to be my father he is so possessive. Is this love?? I am a struggling alcoholic and it sucks not to drink I hate it. Alcoholism and depression runs in my family. I am stuck in the situation of feeling alone with or without him and then on top of it my mom is going crazy from a far. She is very depressed and getting into one of her not safe stages. I am afraid I am going to lose my mother when I am already feeling like I have lost myself and the one I love. Pretty much Im losing myself and I am scared to be alone. I love this man so much that no matter what he does or how disrespected I feel it always gets brushed off like nothing happened. I dont like this feeling im scared goodnight

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