Chashu pork(belly)

I want to make this :

I was feeling really good the other day. It has been nice to be single and open and unattached. I had an impromptu date and it was nice to fully enjoy it without wondering if I could allow myself to do so……this sounds weird. Ok.

My brother would not give me the recipe. He said that I would just use it to cook for boys. While he was joking – it felt like he was saying something there. He did give me the secrets and walked me through the dish and we chatted, but it was strange and I wonder if that’s my own imprint or slant on the comment. He likely hasn’t thought twice about it while it has lingered in my head.

If I have to face myself, I want to enjoy it. I do want to face myself and enjoy it. I think things will feel uncomfortable, but I hope I remember to push through that part. This feels icky to say and I feel like I have to say it to move past it. It feels like I’m dating myself a lot right now. I take myself out for breakfast and coffee. I take myself to the bookstore. I take myself to the beach. I take myself to the movies. I have little dates with other people, too, but the majority of my dating and prioritized time is spent by me with me. I wonder if I am seeing myself the way other people are or do –

Staying disciplined is difficult from time to time. I am working on rituals. I may be trying to do too much at once. I am happy with my bed and clothes rituals. The kitchen ritual is coming together, I think. It is used inconsistently and so it is difficult to find a routine to turn into a ritual. Interesting. It seems I am developing habits at work, which will pay off. Consistency is key. I can see my new activity turning into a ritual of its own quickly. I should plan step 2 – intake.

Keeping the window open keeps a good flow. Things seem to stagnate when it is closed. It gets stuffy and stale. This little space fills up fast in every sense of the phrase. A lack of channels makes everything in the open – there is only one stage for every scene that happens here. It makes me feel like I have to be careful of what goes on here and who is invited in. I don’t quite like being here alone but so much and sometimes company seems to crowd quickly. I am uncertain about my house warming party. I look around and see partially finished organizing attempts. Ah! Sweeping has been really good. A renewed confidence comes with sweeping. It helps to have good, quality tools to keep frustration at bay.

Ok. We are getting somewhere. We are going forward. Me, myself, and I, that is – no one else. While that thought is arresting, it is exciting. It is like a racehorse about to come out of the gates. I would say this is a step out of my comfort zone. So, good. Ah!

I’m enjoying being a little dramatic in this space.

I’m hungry. I wish I had bought ice cream at the grocery store. I have healthy food that is really good and will nourish me. I wonder if I at least have some honey to sweeten up something. I found a chocolate bar the other night and indulged. It had hazelnuts in it – I kept telling myself to save some for another night, for later. I was like a baby vampire overstimulated on first bite. Trancelike chocolate state. Thick, dark melty chocolate all over my face and hands – but I keep going. The cellophane wrapper is a nice echo to a human sucked dry of all its blood. Maybe there is still chocolate somewhere.

Practice. Practice makes perfect. Nothing is perfect. I still like to practice.


Leave a Reply