I’m writing this for me only as a way to express and comprehend my life. I want this to be my outlet cliché, emo, inspirational whatever. This is my stress relief, or I hope that it becomes so. I have past experience as a published journalist and poet although not much former training. So if someone reads this looking for elegant writing you might be let down. This is a daily journal meant to heal scars or at least help them fade.
As of today I’m off work, I start back tomorrow morning working at a typical American production mill. It’s a place of rednecks with conversations about trucks beer and women that will replay for eternity. A place where the rule of claw and fang still exists. Where everyone’s chest is puffed in anticipation for confrontation. I took the job looking at the pay only. I’ve always been one for big dreams, but I’ll admit I’m a bit of a coward. If things were different, If I could start fresh maybe I’d have been a comedian or a writer or even an explorer. Childish dreams always cave in the older we get though. Now I sweat like never before and work with people who share little interests of mine all for a few dollars more. With that said I do thank god for the job I have, the home and all else in my life.
Looking back I am ashamed at who I am. I’ve prayed countless times for forgiveness and for memory to fade, but as I know it never does I’m left with the remains. I’ve made a fool of myself so many times with alcohol that no one remembers the real me anymore. I’ve lost friends, jobs and all respect and dignity I had. It’s screaming to a crowd that no longer cares to listen that that person isn’t you. It’s being in a car crashing into people while you sit in the passenger seat. I recently made the decision to quit drinking and its tough. Very tough. A day after work at a place where you are well what you’ve become all you want to do is go home to drink and smoke and let all those agonies past and present embrace each other. I keep my mind constantly bombarded by my phone television or other media. Not because I’m a facebook fanatic (I don’t have one) but because the time I’m not keeping occupied I feel like I could break at any moment. I’ve become cynical and disassociate myself from others most of the time now. Where when I was younger I jumped at any opportunity to present my talents. Those talents that charm and the world is my oyster attitude died when I started drinking at the young age of 15 or 16. I’m close to 30 now and feel closer to 60. Again, cliché or not It’s the truth of this pursit of numbness I followed for so long now.
I have decided I want to live and I’m going to walk this road the best I can. I’ve been depressed since I was a child and remember at around 10 holding a shotgun to my head not knowing what it meant only that I’d saw it somewhere and that person used that method to end his pain. Growing up in the shadow of giants in my family. Men of strong character and morals, men who “handled” their business whatever it was. That always made me feel small, unworthy, shamed and hopeless. Why couldn’t, why can’t I just work come home and zone out to tv the hang out on weekends and grill. This goes back to the disassociation I’ve felt. I feel like I’ve said that before so has my father and his and there’ no need to go over the same topics the same life again and again. I’m no more intelligent than the guy next to me, but I do want more.
I’ve done some research online about mental health issues and I came away with some understanding of whats going on. I’m afraid a visit to a therapist or some such will bring me even more shame like a tshirt i’ll wear with my wrongdoings on it. It’s my hope that by daily writing I’ll release the steam before I explode and give in to darker thoughts. This first post will be a jumble of incoherent thoughts as i want to just release at the moment. Tomorrow I’ll begin in earnest writing daily events and thoughts along with a little of my own background so that i can study it. I will do my best to look back in observation not judgement. Thank god for all he has given to me and done for me. Its my own doing I am where I am.