First of many

   I’ve been talking about writing again for a while but I never take the time to sit down and type or write all the things I think during a whole day. The what if’s, the possibilities how different my life could be, or even how much I want for myself and for my daughter. But today that’s not going to be the subject. Today at work I was thinking about my funeral, and no not like im depressed and need help nothing like that (not that I haven’t gone through that in my life). But rather when I die what everyone will say about me , and don’t get me wrong im not one of those people that live my life trying to impress other people.
     That’s not the case at all, but will people say I was the girl that let people hurt me? That dated “douchebags” as some people will say or rather that’s the girl that loved too much that did too much for other people??? But why would people care or judge who I date I’m the one dating them and how can you possibly LOVE too much? And if I did how is loving too much a bad thing? So when I look at myself in the mirror. I look at the type of person I am. What I do for people I care about, how I live my life on a daily basis. Do I lift people up or bring them down ?  Do I help those in need. Do I love unconditionally? Am I the best mom I can be? Am I bettering my life , or moving in that direction everyday? Am I living just an “average” life or am I “above average”? Do he people I surround myself with, make me a better me? Am I learning to love new things daily? Am I trying new things living new experiences doing things I want to do before I die?
      Just so many thoughts so many things I ask myself would people remember me by those things? Or would they remember me but the mistakes iv made in my life? So thinking this at work just made me realize how much I want to change, not only want but need to. There’s not too many people that actually genuinely care, not about others anyways usually only about themselves. But I have to say after everything in my life I have seen, struggled with, seen others struggle with. I would of thought id turn out selfish or heartless or just a bitch. But Iv loved, iv had my heart broken, iv wanted to die, iv cried myself to sleep (countless times), iv felt alone like no one in the world cared, iv been a daughter to a drug addict,  iv felt not good enough. After everything, I’m still me. In my heart Id hope people would remember me by the girl that even though at times she felt broken she still woke up everyday with a smile on her face because that was a new day to start over. To think of the good things and not the things that once tried to bring her down. That no matter what would stop what she was doing for her friends, family, or the ones she loved if they needed anything. The girl that kept going even when she wanted to give up. The girl that if someone told her she couldn’t do something shed do it until she proved them wrong. So lately iv been trying to be that girl because somewhere along this crazy ride called “life” I let all the stress and pain and heartache and negativity run my life. But what iv failed lately to see is how beautiful life really is. The people you meet on a daily basis, even if its at work. The wonderful stories you hear, the love you see, the people that touch your life that make you really see the bigger picture. We all have our stories to tell and this is just the beginning of mine. Iv been alive but I just started living. So here’s to the positive thoughts and the beautiful life that was given to me, and the wonderful people I get to share it with.
So I hope this journey will not only make me a better person in this life, but a great person that will be remembered for their love and generosity that was given to people everyday. I hope one day my child can tell the stories of how much her mom did for her and they will know me as an amazing person. I can only hope for that, and start by just overall being a more positive person.
     So that is just a little bit of what is just floating around in my mind, just for today and lately iv been really just trying to change for the better. So people can really see who I am , how much I love, how much I want to do for others, I don’t want to ever be remembered as someone that was selfish that took away joy. But rather someone who gave light to the dark that filled peoples lives with happiness and joy and love and great memories.

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