For a short while now, I have been in a slump of self-pity and despair. I’ve slowly watched my perceptions about myself shift from loving to hateful. I may have some high-class problems, but it’s all relative in my world. When I’m in this state, instead of manifesting my hopes and dreams, everything becomes impossible, and I am just not good enough. Nothing that I do is right, and at the end of the day, I lay on my back mulling over every time that I fell short in the 24 hours behind me, never seeing one good thing that came out of any moment.
Through putting myself down on a frequent and consistent basis, these things I believe start to actually come true. The universe recognizes these negative vibrations that I am constantly emitting, and the universe responds accordingly. I become selfish, inconsiderate, and afraid of everything and everyone, and in turn, I start digging a hole of missed opportunities and damaged relationships. Why do I do this? I know exactly what I’m doing, and I know exactly where it will take me, but I do it anyway, because I’ve done it all my life. The darkness is familiar, and it welcomes me home with asphyxiating arms.
There is one thing that remains constant throughout these grim and tumultuous times; my knowing that the universe is much bigger than I make it seem. If I continue to nurture my spiritual condition, the darkness will pass right over my head like a thunder storm. As long as I am doing the things I need to be doing and am diligently working towards a solution, light will once again infiltrate my life. I will undoubtedly emerge stronger and wiser for having endured such suffering. Knowing this fact today has been the difference between life and death for me. Those people today who can recognize that I am full of fear, doubt, and self-loathing yet still have enough compassion to accept me exactly the way I am with a gentle hand and a heart full of love, are the gift that has transformed my life. They have the ability to see things within me that are impossible for me to recognize while engulfed by such negativity. They tell me that I’m beautiful, and that I’m really not so bad. After hearing these things for a while, I start to believe them again, and slowly, the dark veil over my eyes begins to dissipate, and I am grateful.
I don’t want to say that I depend on my relationships to save me today, but to some extent I do. Making the choice to form relationships that feed my soul today and to walk away from those that feed off of my soul, has given me more strength than I’d ever thought possible. This strength, that they so graciously transmit, is the foundation that I use to build myself back up again, and without them I’d be a crumbling, dilapidated pile of fear, anger, hate, and hopelessness. Fortunately, I am not without them, and fortunately, I have a choice to live in the sunlight today, and for that, I am grateful.