June 4th, 2015

I’m not a happy person. I’m bitter and rude and judgmental. I cause trouble and I don’t own up, I don’t know what I’m talking about half the time, but I try. I really do. I get mad, I get irrational, I overthink and make things up, I tend to lie because I want to and for my own benefit, I like to steal things, but I’m teaching myself the benefit of hard work. I don’t think I really love anyone, not my family, and certainly not myself, but I force myself to care about others. I’m violent and unstable, but I try to keep myself from hurting others. My mom makes me mad to the pointe where I want to rip my own hair out and hit her or stab myself with a knife, but lately I’ve really been trying. I’ve been trying really hard not to start a fight with her, and to keep my anger to myself. It’s not much, and I’ve failed once or twice, but it has to count for something right? It has to make me a better person. If i were to be completely honest, I am a shitty person. But I’m trying, I’m trying to be nicer, to open up to others, and to not get mad at my mom, or hate her, it has to count as something. It’s hard, I’m constantly reminded by my mom of how awful I am, how I’m shitty, and need to be controlled/ fixed. She hurts me the most. She constantly reminds me how often I screw up and make mistakes, or how I have bad habits and a messed up mind, how fat and ugly I am, and how I won’t make anything out of my life. How I don’t have commitment or can’t do things correctly. It’s so hard for me to learn how to love myself when I’m constantly reminded of why I shouldn’t. I’ve cried so much these last couple of days, and I’ve been repressing my sadness, and I don’t know if it’s working, but if you lie to yourself enough, then you’ll start to believe it right?

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