Gratitude

I fear abandonment. I don’t fear being alone. Alone is a circumstance I can remedy. Abandonment is a feeling I can’t prepare for. In talking with Phillip two nights ago, teary-eyed and upset, it became clear that my fears are connected to events that haven’t happened. I’m afraid he won’t propose. I’m afraid I will never have children. I’m afraid I won’t like living in a small town. I’m afraid he will one day grow tired of my complaints and my questions, and leave me like everyone else did. But none of this has happened. I have very real emotions attached to imaginary beliefs and events. I don’t want to live this way anymore.

If he does leave me, I’ll be okay. If I never have children, I’ll be okay. If I live in a small town with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I’d still be okay. And so, I am deciding today to let go of the anxiety associated with my life’s worst-case-scenarios. Because the worst that can happen isn’t really all that bad. Even in death, if I am with Christ, I will still gain.

I have so very much. I am with a man who is patient with me and loves me unconditionally. I am working towards a Master’s degree. My mother is alive and well. I have a good-paying job and a nice car. I have the ability to pay my main expenses, and I have reasonably good health. I live in a beautiful city. I have access to good food and enriching entertainment.

I am so blessed. I refuse to fill another day with worry.

And so, I resolve to focus on the positive, soak up the good, and only solve real problems. Because truth be told, the problems I have are in my mind. My life, is actually really good.

In this present moment I am grateful.

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