June 6th, 2015

I think the only thing that I really want in life is freedom, and my ability to think for myself. I don’t really have my own opinions. I’ve spent so much time trying to make others like me that I adjust myself to their mindset, and try to match their likes, dislikes, pet peeve, and thoughts that I don’t really think for myself anymore. I spend too much time on the internet just mindlessly reblogging things that maybe I completely disagree with, but don’t know. Also, I tend to do things for others that I shouldn’t do. I make mistakes and impulsively do things without thinking of the consequences. I say things that may make others feel bad about themselves, or cause stress without thinking about how it sounds. But at the same time, I feel like I’m missing out on my own life by trying so hard to please others that I stuff myself into a little bag, scared to do something, or say something lest I cause trouble.

I’m just really emotionally unstable and damaged. I don’t know how to properly talk to other people, and I get anxiety thinking about it. I don’t know how to act in normal situations, or I just say random things and regret it later. It’s hard for me to stay happy, but instead I’ve gotten comfortable with constantly being depressed and withdrawn from others. I find comfort in being ignored and pushed around. It’s familiar to me, and I know how to deal with it, but at the same time I crave acceptance and happiness. I’m constantly confused and not sure how to act. My thoughts contradict each other, and my mind feels like its going crazy. I want so many things for myself, I want a better life, but I can’t seem to quite get it. I accidentally ask for things that I want and set of a chain reaction of bad events. Every time I open my mouth, or do something, bad things happen.

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