I’ve been keeping this

I’ve been keeping this fear in my heart for over a year now. A fear that it can happen again. A fear that it won’t be me again. A fear that I will not be who he will talk to everyday, care for, and be with. A fear that my best friend will be the other half his heart. Again.
I keep telling myself that it happened a long time ago, when I liked him so much up to the point that I was being stupid and deaf not to hear the never-ending voice in my head that kept saying,”It’s enough. You’ve experienced so much shattering words and actions that stab you right to your chest. Stop hurting yourself.”
Honestly, I thought he liked me at some point due to his mutual responses and our friends kept teasing us like how other normal friends would do if two persons may have mutual feelings for each other.
Obviously, I was wrong. In the end, he ended up liking her.
It hurts to think that after all you did; lowering your pride for him, caring so much for him, getting out of your way for him, being there for him every single day, he still chose her. It is painful to hear that short worded-sentence, but felt like my whole world suddenly rotated the slowest it could get when she said, “I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you, but he likes me.”
From that moment, I felt so numb. Numb enough to not move a single muscle. Numb enough to feel anger, hatred and betrayal. Numb enough to realize that everything was a lie.
Athough, it made me realize that maybe it’s my fault. Maybe it’s my fault that I didn’t stop liking him and chose him out of all the fishes in the sea. Maybe it’s my fault that I have feelings. Maybe it’s my fault that I didn’t listen to the voices in my head that also knew something was going on between them. But how could I be so sure if she knew he had feelings for her behind my back?
I told myself that this boy who broke my heart will not be a hindrance to our friendship. I love my best friend and I hope she knows that. But behind everything else is still that fear. That fear that she will make it happen again. That fear that she knows it’s not me, but it’s her again. That fear that the one person I like will talk to her everyday, care for her and be with her. That fear that she will be the other half of his heart. Again.

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