My mother has recently decided to try bridging the gap between us. I hadn’t spoken with her in over 5 years. We have always had an on again off again relationship. The last time I spoke with her, the cops were involved. She called them on me when my sister (who was staying with me for the summer) refused to go back.
All through my life, she has been the storm, that wreaks havoc, throwing me into a tailspin. Just when I think I have it figured out, and am content, she finds a word, or look that has me doubting all over again. Why do allow ourselves to give other people that much control?
I grew up with her always telling me what a mistake I was, how far in life she could have gone if she hadn’t had me. And yet she can’t let me go. Always saying what a great mother she was for putting me first. Telling anyone who would listen while she was stupid drunk how much she sacrificed, and how damn grateful I should be.
“Build a wall as high as the Empire State building and as thick as a bomb shelter, ” that’s how I learned to protect myself. I built a wall around myself. I put distance between me and anyone who would hurt me. Everyone I ever knew was always kept at arms length. If my mother couldn’t love me, and my father never wanted anything to do with me, why would anyone else waste their time.
As I get older, and see a future utterly alone, I know I put myself here, but with the help of HER. I can’t even begin to know how to start taking that wall down. So, when she comes to my home, all smiles, I feel like I should be finding the nearest storm shelter. Because with her, there is only a matter of time before she destroys all that I have built around me.