not a good day

i was sick as a dog last night. as in ALL night. as in so sick i’m still shaking. i didn’t get a solid hour all night except i almost managed this morning slept from 523 till 612 the ONLY solid sleep i had last night.

and then that lazy ass slacker cunt who seems to think chinese nationality kids need to be free ranged in MY neighborhood. any attempt to drag this little monster brat to school is met with a full blown shrieking temper tantrum and we’re talking full  length body thrown on the floor kicking and punching the floor and screaming often in the middle of the street on a busy BLIND corner. i’ve read her the riot act about this at least 2-33 times already. ‘sorry you’re having a crap morning, but you do not get to take it out on me. i don’t know you. if you MAKE me come down and get to know you, you WON’t like how i do that. shut the hell up and get out. 6am is too loud to wake up to someone shrieking right outside your bedroom window.’ next time i’m just calling cops or i’ll go down there and get RIGHT up in the bitches face. ‘BACKBONE WOMAN! or are you gonna let a 7 year old kid bully your ass. i know you CAME here to be allowed to have more than 1 kid, but do us all a favour and DO NOT. you’re doing a shit job with one.’ i’m just over this shit.

so now i’m sitting here KNOWING there is no way in hell i’m doing cards before friday. i’d planned to do them today, but only if i actually slept. so there’s no fuckin way at this point and tomorrow is the monthly no progress report. let’s see if they can manage to hire someone they get to keep for more than 3 months. the 1s that don’t get pregnant get drummed out. the malingerers don’t like the scrupulous ones (and considering the malingerers are a higher turnover rate. they’re like fucking hydra. for everyone 1 you bust 6 more show up lying about the amount if any of pain they’re in so they can get pain meds to sell so they can party. (ironically of course, in many cases this sort of behavior will net them real injuries eventually but by then? won’t be a hospital in the tri-state area that’d prescribe more than directions to the aspirin section at the local drugstore since they spend their time screwing the system with no lube? i call it kharma.) i have to try to keep my tummy SETTLED for the next 32 minutes till meds kick in. if i have to, i can take another perc (though i’d prefer not to. my drug holiday only gave me a couple spares because it seems someone let themselves in when i was downstairs or across the hall or outside and i was 2 fucking pills short this month that i know I didn’t take. i mark em down in my symptom journal. meds schedule then checkmarks for each pill taken. all i know is i hope to fucking hell i don’t find out who did it because if i’m right? you’ve let yourself in for FULL Kharma mode. i may not cast often any more prefering to conserve my energy, but if it’s who i thought it was who generally has bad back issues 1ce or 2ce a month and will ask me for a pill and i will occasionally oblige. you better pray and i mean pray motherfuckin HARD and hope your made up christer god can outdo nature’s fury. if i find out it was you who too those? let me put it this way. as violent as Violent Violet (an old nickname) can be, you NEVER hear me threaten anything i do not intend to follow through with. mostly it’s along the lines of ‘a size 10 doc martin where it’ll do the most good’ or a personal fave ‘i’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll have to learn to shit through your nostrils. the only thing faster than my mouth (or fingers since i’m typing) is my fists. but yu won’t GET that. i find out who stole from me? dead. as in… i will fucking kill you. i never make threats lightly. and i’m pun intended dead serious here. you either go ‘oh shit. uuh  par, i toko em, here’s something in repayment and i’ll never bother you again fori am not worthy would be a good way to BEGIN apologizing. (do i sound like i know who did it? only 4 people have been in my flat in the past month. my friend Branden lounged on the futon, 1 of jus’ buddies (who has been banned from my flat and this new shit from yesterday. that leaves 1. i know. put it this way kid, when i had a boyfriend go get a lapdance i called him up 5 minutes later and dumped his ass. i ALWAYS know. big brother ain’t got nothing on big sister. i suggest you start working on the reparations now. i might forgive you by the time i die, but don’t count on it. this is 1 more strike than i give anyone and they could have been yours for the ASKING you do NOT thieve from me. you know if i have something all ANYONE has to do is ask. stuff isn’t worth freaking out about. you need it, i got it? here. enjoy. catch me on the flip flop(can you tell i’ve hung out with truck drivers? LOL we had a friend who made swords ‘Cutter’ apropriately. he wore very expensive (at the time) trifocal thin ground lenses to read. he could see to drive and could read the signs, but couldn’t read a MAP in  a pre-gps era so i trekked with him for about a month while he waited for his glasses to ship and i played navigator and we sang sea shanties (say that 3 times fast before you’ve had your caffeine. ROFL i can’t even do it once. i sound like Dana Carvey’s bit about the words judicial system being impossible to say even dead sober without sounding drunk. ‘we have to place our faith in the joodishal sistdumb that justice will prevail’ snicker. english is my fave toy)
but i digress. the real reason i’m worried about getting sick before i’ve absorbed the pills? (11 minutes and counting… oooh euw eeruuuurp. fleh! thank you. i wanted to know what the fuck my stomach bile tasted like it’s been a whole hour since i sampled it. didn’t get sick and the burp wasn’t even very loud <damnit, woman, what was all that vocal coaching at the end up the 80’s FOR?! did you learn NOTHING!? PROJECT!!!!!!!) butt it TASTED awful (yes Scott if you actually read these. even worse than those envelopes i got from Sam’s club…. for those of you not my friend/landlord? it became an onrunning joke between us. Sensei had given me a box of envelope’s that he bought from 1 of those BIG package stores (which he was addicted to, but admittedly, we did it the right way, 5 couples sharing the membership and 1ce a week, whosesoever turn it was would call everyone else and get their shopping list, then go get the stuff and rip open the big packages, dividing it and distributing it via plastic containers) the glue on the envelopes tasted terrible and i wrote on impulse ‘this envelope tastes terrible’ with a vampire smily (regular ol : ) then with fangs sorta like er….uhm….. :)[ kind of a trademark of mine. i often just sign things with a “P” and the smiley.) so i tried to undigress and made it worse. 3 more minutes till meds kick in and after THAT i can puke again as my stomach will have absorbed everything. i have a couple extra ibuprofin 800’s so puking 1 of those isn’t TOO bad. since every time i puked last night i also shit myself inside out (and that’s a little more literal of a situation than most people want to know. anyone need to know how to replace a prolapsed anus? i can teach you. i’ve had to learn. sad, huh? so i hadn’t taken my stool softeners since last thursday (not taking my painkillers, so i don’t think the pills to ease the constipation pain. oh really? you try not shitting for almost 2 weeks and then finally have it work and we’ll see what kind of shape YOU’ll be in afterwards. it’s like trying to give anal birth to 1 of those gigantic mt. dew cans i saw at the grocery the other day! those i’ll put myself back on within the next 24.) what i’m OUT of is the fucking antihistamine.i have PRECISELY enough to last till this coming monday around noon when my meds are delivered and i mean exactly enough.

see, they’re SO fucking eager to have me meet this new guy. i just have him marked down as ‘new guy’ erudite, aren’t i? probably more of a case of i was having a ‘flash of sight’ as my rellies used to call it. i just call them flashes. the last 4 people they hired were crap or unusable for 1 or another reason (the malingers don’t like the scrupulous medicos like Katie and her brother or Jennifer or even Murkarrum himself which floors me, because he REALLY is a really nice, very compassionate guy. but he’s not a pill pusher (which works in his favour as far as i’m concerned. i’ve never had even a MINOUR flap with him over anything in the past 6 years and considering just how combatative i’ve always been? that’s pretty fucking amazing. (oh fuck off spellcheck. i didn’t ask you)  because they accept ‘oh it hurts when i do this so i shouldn’t have to work anymore. give me money and lots of drugs i can sell. for the record? if you ARE a malingerer that is thinking about going to the advanced spine and pain management in the mercy hospital complex? avoid the amazonian woman with green hair. she (that is to say*I*) WILL report your ass directly to the recptionist (who for some reason i’ve heard most dislike her intensely. why? she’s a sweetheart! most of the staff is when they’re dealing with someone who’s legitimately ill. did it ever occur to you loser baits that she’s nice and YOU are a pack of asshat? i feel awful that i don’t feel well enough to bake for them this month when i got these amazing cherry gel centered chocolate chips and i was going to do brownies with those chips and marichino (sp? okay. yeah. that 1 really is eluding me.) cherries, but the small of the raw ingredients will only make me sick.

eek! had a hand spasm and threw a lit cig (my 1st of the day and i’m not choking. i may survive the morning!) up in the air and my reflexes/body memory worked faster than my mind (pre-caffeine still i’m drinking water till i know for sure it’s settled my tummy’s settled for sure) and i caught it with my other hand, realized what i’d done AS the lit cigarette landed in my open BARE palm! and tossed it in the air again where it landed on the keyboard. whew!

okay. where was i?(this 1’s going to be a book, isn’t it? LOL well, sometimes you have to vent and i’m having a pukey shitty noisy rough ass fucking morning so i think i’ve earned it.

ah right.  those of us who are legitimately ill/injured adore the scrupulous staff. if i’m seeing Katie or Murkarrum, i know it’ll be a nice smooth fast appointment. they know i’ve done my research, and i’m not off fucking around (closest i get is that 1 person i know with bad back issues that also does landscaping so maybe 1ce every 2-3 months, he might email me and ask for 1 pill. more likely in the winter shoveling all that snow, poor kid. and he’s usually like i am about pain meds. ‘i have enough issues without having to depend on this kind of thing.’ yup. which is why having 2 turn up missing is pissing me off so fucking bad. ask. that’s all you have to do. if i’m low, i’ll try to arrange what i call a wiggle where i’ll skip my mid-day painkiller if someone i care about is legitimately injured and has no insurance. with the emt classes i took i can do everything from set a bone to whip a couple stitches into a slash to hold them over/together till we can get them to an emergency room which when i was doing rennfaire wasn’t always that easy of a task. so i’ll skip a mid-day pill, have an extra IBP and drink a couple cups of strong chamomile and try not to move for 6 hours or so. *I* can take the pain in short increments if i have to. a new injury? that ALWAYS trumps my pain. see, with my bullshit, i’ve gotten USED to being in horrible pain all the time, but a fell down the stairs and broke an ankle and can’t get to the doc’s because it’s after 6 and all the clinics are closed and NO ONE in their right mind wants to screw around with the fucking emergency room in the evening or late at night.)

we legitimate patients (and most of us aren’t anything RESEMBLING Patient! LOL i think they used that term to try to calm us down. be PATIENT, you are in the WAITING room, we’ll be with you shortly) don’t like the pill pushers because in many cases (as is mine) we’ve TRIED motherfucking everything and came up with a TINY little bag of meds that work. ibp.800 3-4 times a day. i generally only take 3. benadryl 25mg FIVE times a day. sometimes more if i’n getting sick in the middle of the night. stool softeners…it’s nothing stronger than the OTC, but because the pain meds constipate me they’re allowed to prescribe them so my insurance will cover it. ditto on the benadryl because percoset makes everyone insanely itchy and since those perc 7.4/325mgs 3 times a day occasionally 4 on real bad days. that combination works for me. it’s kept me on a slow burn for about 7 years now. steadily getting worse, but the fact that i still get around under my own steam (with forearm crutches or cane or walking stick.) pay my own bills, run my errands and keep my own flat in something resembling order when i was supposed to be DEAD 2 years ago in October according to their projections and i’m not even wheelchair bound yet, let alone stuck n the hospice above my doc’s office. that means i’m doing something right. THAT means, you do NOT fuck with something that works. and the pill pushers are always convinced that they have the answer even if and often especially if it had been tried and rejected because it wasn’t THEM that prescribed it before and they can make it all better. (eyeroll) yeah, maybe if i wanted to die immediately and i’m not QUITE ready yet.

so tomorrow, i get to meet ‘the new guy’. i am NOT looking forward to this. the last time they swore p and down how wonderful the guy was and he made it about 2 seconds after meeting me before he fucked THAT up and i told them if i had to see him again, i was done and i mean done as in you KNOW i have a stash of sleeping pills (that took me 7 years to gather up. i have 200 of them in a pretty moon box for that inevitability and they know about it. i make jokes about it, but there is no honour in lingering on to have someone else wipe your ass for you and keep you alive on machines a prisoner in your own body? aw hells to the motherfuckin no.

2 more things and i’ll stop ranting for a while. i’m feeling a little better (not enough to eat, but i might be able to manage a glass of milk with an egg whipped in it and a soda.)

1? cece slag NEVER CAME BACK yesterday after waking up 1/2 the building trying to bully me into letting her in to look for something that wasn’t there. she refers to herself as a former crack-head. (no such animal. we’re fed all these horror story cautionary tales as a kid. ‘it’s SO addictive all you have to do is try it ONCE and you’re hooked and you never stop being an addict’ well, in some cases it’s true. heroin? that has medicinal uses. morphine ditto. even regular cocaine syrup is still used for medicinal purposes. crack? i’ve heard those horror stories and after watching people that are on the shit, i believe them. thee’s no out and according to this 1 guy i knew up in NYC (who we removed from our squat 3 times in 1 day at 1 point sigh. not a shooting gallery dude and not a place to smoke your shit. scram) he got ‘clean’ a couple times, then just walked past someone that was smoking it in an alley and ended up falling off the wagon JUST FROM THE SMELL OF SECOND HAND SMOKE!!!! so yeah. no such THING as a former crack-head honey. and we already know you lie like a rug installed by a dude with no arms BADLY AND OBVIOUSLY!) well. she never came back yesterday. gee. i wonder why. telling her off then blasting her bullshit all over my blog so people will be smart enough to avoid her wide ass for a while! she never left shit up here and just wanted to come back up here and sponge off me some more (now THAT, my friends is LOW LOW LOW scumbag behavior. SHE’s mobile. HER legs work. she’s supposedly able to work. it’s just easier to grub off someone else though, isn’t it? grubbing off a dying woman. that’s REAL class.) and now Jus knows and he’ll warn her away from me. why? i told him to warn her away from me. ‘you may tell her i said if i ever see her face again, it’ll till be too soon and to keep her health, she needs to stay the fuck away from me’ he busted up laughing ‘dapped’ knuckles with me ‘i know THAT’s right, sis!’

and the other thing? i may have finally shut down the social gathering that’s pretending to be 3 maintenance men across the street. for over a MONTH the fat black guy’s (if he was a fat white guy i’d have described him as such. just descriptors. i really don’t care what colour your skin is as long as you’re a good person.) has been painting a single 1 bedroom flat. for OVER A MONTH and they finally had to hire him 2 assistants and none of the 3 of the fuckers are working. what HAS been going on is 3-4 20 minute or LONGER cigarette breaks AN HOUR!!!!!!!! (how do they manage 4? they just often don’t even go back in. i’ve seen them sitting on the steps across the street for the entire morning, bullshit and telling lies and bragging.) and i need to specifically mention how fucking LOUD they are. we’re talking across a wide street with a full front yard (or garden for my UK and Euro readers LOL) and a carpark separating us with my music or shows playing for background noises specifically chosen equally for its ability to cut out background noise as well as to suit the mood of whatever i’m writing drawing or painting. over all that, these 3 lazy dumbshits are SO loud, i could recite entire discussions on how to dry wall and paint as slowly as fucking possible. then when they’e wasted the whole morning and maybe actually gone IN 2ce if that? then they all take off for an hour for lunch (when i happen to know for a FACT that people doing maintenance for that rental company get TWENTY minutes for lunch with a 10 minute travel space. and then 1/2 the time, they don’t even come back till almost 5. THEN all 3 of them rush in clatter around a lot making a big production of packing up the equipment that was ONLY touched to bring it inside so they’d have an alibi. ‘i was here all day! see? there’s my tools!’ and trooping out congratulating themselves ion NO job well done.

well, with the morning i’m having (geez louise! is it ONLY 9!? well then.)  and having already 2ce asked them to shut the fuck up (though slightly more politely. ‘i’m sorry. am i reading too loud? is my research for this chapter deadline too LOUD for your little social gathering? well, i have your answer then! get up off your ass, go back inside and instead of talking about the tools? here’s a thought… USE THEM. and please. seriously. shut up. unlike you, *I* am trying to get something done over here.’

this time when i said something i was told to shut the fuck up. ‘oh? you want to play? how happy will your boss be when i call them? you seem to forget, i can see the parking lot from my desk. i get to see you 3 do NOTHING all day. 1 more unecessary sound. please. i have your bosses phone number and if you think for an instant i won’t call and tell them how very little work you’ve been doing…and if you keep it up? i do have a video camera up here. seriously. stop. i’m done. and when i’m done? that means YOUR bullshit stops.’ i waited. sure enough about 5 minutes later all 3 of them were camped out on the steps again. ‘she’ll never call. that sort never does.’ oh REALLY? i  snagged the phone went out on the balcony. ‘hi! yeah <fill in the name of the company and the manager!> (yep. not bluffing. i don’t bluff. i’d rather just kick your ass and get it over with.) yeah i’m over here at (my address) and you’ve had 3 workmen over here for over a month now painting the same flat and you had to bring in TWO helpers and still nothing is getting done? i bet you’re curious as to why that is and i don’t BLAME you. contractors will ream you if you don’t watch them or have someone do it for you.’ the workmen went REAL quiet and moved over where they could watch me’ oh excellent. they’ve realized i don’t bluff and that i’ve really called you so i can give you a real good description. (and did so) they meanwhile were starting to loo REAL fucking nervous as well they should be! i told them all about their shoddy work ethic and then JUST to twist the knife? i added ‘oh yeah. absolutely. i do recall that. some jackass thinking climbing in someone’s window in broad daylight was acceptable behavior. you know me. no patience for the lazy and larcenous. absolutely. they’re only BOTHERING me and interfering with my ability to get this next chapter done on time, however, they’re screwing YOU guys with no lube. absolutely. thank you. you as well. you have a great day too.’ then i turned my smirk loose on THEM. ‘i’d say your social gathering was just rescheduled permenantly on account of work to actually get done. free ride is over, shit-for-brains. get to work and if i see so much as 2 cig breaks in 1 hour i’ll call them AGAIN. capische? now get to fucking work so *I* can get my shit done.’ the punchline? i do bluff and there’s NO ONE better at it than me. i was holding the phone and do have all the contact info i’d have needed to make that call, but NOW they know i can and will do that sort of thing and already think that i HAVE. i won’t see their stupid asses again till lunchtime. i can almost guarenty it.


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