the promised rant

so. yesterday fucking SUCKED, but i do have a little good news. i finally slept for 4 solid hours last night. whee! still can’t eat and feel the worst i’ve ever felt, but the sleep helped a little. i also managed to convince them to wiggle slots for me so i get to see Katie next month and told everyone within earshot in no uncertain terms why i want nothing to do with Herr of ‘the new guy’. oh and today begins the 1st f 4-4 pill days. chances are i’ll be able to eat a little something sometime this afternoon. very little no doubt but compared to what i’ve eaten over the past FOUR days now it’ll be an improvement (total tally of food  consumed over the past 4 days? 1 soda -still working on trying to drink the same one flat now, but hey it’s sugar and caffeine, 10 cherries, 3 water biscuits, 2 peppermints, about 1/3 of a croissant and about a shot glass worth of milk and i’ve been guzzling water) the worst thing is i’m stocked to the gills. i HAVE food, i just get sick if i even look at it let alone smell it.

so here’s how it all went down.

after the bullshit with busting Justin Cavanaugh (yes, you scumbag, and i’m going to KEEP blasting your fucking name all over and telling everyone what the fuck you did until you get a fucking clue and realize NO ONE FUCKING LIKES YOU HERE move you scumbag. leave our building and NEVER return!) for stealing my pain meds (which, i REPEAT i would have given him if he asked and really was hurt even if it meant skipping taking one that *I* NEEDED because that’s how i am!!!!) and dealing with the noisy slacker fucktards across the street and the obnoxious little chinese kid (WHO by the way walked VERY quietly up the hill this morning! her mother had her head down and was avoiding looking up here, but as they passed my building the little girl looked back over her shoulder and saw me standing there and gave me a ‘is THIS good?’ look. i beamed at her, nodding and gave her the deepest bow i could offer. she grinned back and waved at me. THANK you. that’s all i ask. a little respect for the fact that 90% of the people on this block are usually asleep at 6am.) i was pretty much in what i call guided missile mode. as in the very next person to fuck up around me was gonna catch it SO hard they’re going to need hospital time.

Chris came home around noon to let Branden get to his last Phys. ther. appt.) and i gave him the cliff notes version. he LOVED that. ‘ooh you mean he finally gave you enough rope so we can hang him with it?’ (see? the only reason i was even speaking to the little virus was to keep a leash on him. if he was hanging out HERE, he wasn’t going off to bars picking up meth heads to bring home to get into screaming matches with at 4am when he ran out of drugs money and booze.) and i promised to come down and give Branden the whole story when he got back from PT so he could tell Chris (and we had plans to make that are unrelated. i’m cat/flat sitting for most of the week starting sunday 5am ish) who had to go back to work yesterday afternoon. i then decided that with my mood shot so i couldn’t concentrate to write or draw let alone do anything more intricate, that i’d go through the comments section for a fave show of mine and do a slash and burn mute block and report on all the spammers and spewers  of miss-information (great way to get rid of a little rage energy in a productive way. honestly i think the uploader let’s me stick around because i kno0w more about the series than he does, i’m nice to people honestly answering questions and answer as best i can-which is pretty damn good if i do say so myself and i do but i’m not the only one! and of course i save him the trouble of policing the channel himself. since it’s HIS channel HE is the only 1 that can ban me and i’ve been doing it for just over 2 years now and he’s never been ANYTHING but but nice to me)

when Branden got back i went down to soak up a little AC (you’re JOKING right. i’m on disability. i can’t fucking AFFORD AC… and those of you that CAN!? i REALLY hope some agency comes and investigates your scammer ass) and tell him the story. when he came back in i poked my nose out and called ‘ello, me love!’ (because it makes him laugh when i lean on the accent) and he suggested i come down since it was too hot for me to sit up here if i didn’t have to. (i just wish Zap wasn’t even more antisocial than *I* am so i could bring her down with me, but she despises most other people and animals on contact so bringing her down for an AC break would mean we’d be chasing the 3 cats around breaking up fights instead of lounging on the sofa sipping soda, chainsmoking and talking about music horror scifi and gay rights.) told him what was going on, hung out for a while watching … i think it was family guy? i don’t pay much attention to the TV at their place. it’s massive and almost ALWAYS on.(shrugs) then came back up here to get ready.

appt time rolled around and i got a driver i’ve had before and liked (remember the nice lady who’s GPS broke down a couple months ago? yup! i got to get another awesome squish hug from her too! i like squish hugs. those are when you very carefully gather the person close as opposed to a grabby bear hug or what i call a snatch and thump where they grab you, yank you to them and pound enthusiastically on your back. Branden and Chris are both great squish huggers) got there 10 minutes early, flew through the paperwork and sat around chatting to some of the other drain circlers and ran into someone i hadn’t seen in over 20 years!!!! (he was 1 of the bikers that used to hang out in little 5 points in georgia. had his son with him an avid little gamer who hadn’t heard of Wildgames yet so i explained it to him and his dad and dad grinned and said ‘oh yeah. yeah you can do that’ and gave over his phone. cool. i like being able to open up a new world for people. sounds like he REALLY will like Fate) and got called back.

after last month and Herr’s fuckery they’ve ALREADY stopped doing the customer satisfaction surveys LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL from what i’ve gathered the only people that like that SOB (besides a few of the staff that don’t have to deal directly with patients..i told you, i talk to EVERYONE!) are the people who are trying to get more meds out of them since the only things he seems to know about pain management are diddly and shit.i’m guessing what happened is that i wasn’t the only person who said something along the lines of ‘if i am ever forced to see this jackass again i’d rather die.’ (and when he passed me in the hall he started to say something to me and i turned around and hissed. yes really. it got a laugh from several other patients and 3 of the staff too!)

i should mention i had had an ominous dark cloud feeling over my feet from the moment we rolled onto site which is probably what earned me the hug.


i get back to the exam room with Kristie and we did the opener stuff. when i told her how bad the last few days have been she was getting all fretty worryish. ‘and if i know you, you WON”T ask for more meds.’ i smirked ‘you got THAT right. i hate taking the 1s i do have to take now!’

and then i waited and waited and fucking waited. we’re talking over 20 minutes closer to 30 and when i went back? i was 1 of only FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE OFFICE THAT WAN”T STAFF OR FAMILY. and that ominous cloud got bigger and blacker with every passing moment. at 1 point i hear the voice of what turned out to be ‘the new guy’ to be referred to as Matt the sewer rat from now on as MTSR talking to a nurse right outside the exam room…

nurse- i don’t think so, you’re running behind.

MTSR- aw don’t worry about it. there’s only 2 people even OUT there and it’s almost 430 NOW.

me-(being as subtle as a handgrenade in a shallow bowl of clear broth) are you SO SURE about those numbers? for most of us the pharmacy closes at 5. you’re screwing people over who need to refill scrips today! (throwing my voice)

there was a gasp and they scuttled off. (yeah. smooth move exlax!) and sure enough less than 5 minutes later, he wanders in. DOES NOT KNOCK. and remember what i told you about Herr last month? staff distrusts him SO much they sent a nurse in to stand there by the door watching his ass!!!! well, see? i was right. they really don’t and that isn’t usual policy because MTSR came in ALONE. he didn’t last much longer than Herr did either. fucker walked in took 1 look at me and started sneering. obviously hadn’t looked at my chart needed shit spelled out for him.

how many times do i have to EXPLAIN THIS to people. hair colour and piercings and tattoos do NOT make you deaf, blind or erase IQ points. ANYONE who makes broad sweeping judgements based on that is a tiny minded fool that should not be allowed to run around loose in public unattended both for their own safety and for the sanity of the world at large. (a perfect example of the complete opposite of this happened when i was waiting for the car service afterwards. we’ll get there)

it all went downhill from there and quickly ‘i have no use for doctors or nurses that are allergic to reading charts. thank you.’and actually saluted him. he went real stiff-shouldered at that and almost saluted back! i SAW the ‘tell’ in his shoulder as training made him ALMOST respond by body memory and then he recalled he was being dismissed by someone he’d just treated unecessarily like shit and told me he’d deliver my scrip sheet to the front desk and scuttled back to the BACK office (the attending physician is supposed to accompany you TO the front desk, asshat. you are SUCH a fucking loser.)

that’s when i ran into Herr and hissed at him which made him go ALMOST as pale as i am and abruptly change direction prompting the laugh.

(and i’m going to end up spelling this wrong so i AM sorry) Felycia (it’s pronounced like Felicia but she has a random Y in there and i’m too dyslexic to fix it in my head whether or not it’s the 1st i replaced or the 2nd) was at the checkout desk (i ADORE her. if she ever gets to read this? i love you, sweetheart. thank you SO much for helping the day i had the seizure in the waiting room! so kind. i KNOW IT IS YOUR JOB, but you obviously care SO much about it and the people you’re trying to help. you rock!) they only recently started wearing name tags so before that, the only time i heard a name is if i overheard it in the office. (for someone with as good a memory as i have, i’m amazingly British about recalling names upon a 1st re-meeting LOL i tend to call people ducky, babe, sweety, Hon, or the delightfully all-purpose ‘oh wow hey! how’s it going! i haven’t seen YOU in a while!’) and i told her ‘okay. i did what i said i would. i met the jerk. let that be the LAST TIME’ and told her what had happened. when i asked what she had for the same time frame, her face fell ‘it’s just matt or herr’ me sighing ‘awww crap. okay. how early am i going to have to wake up to see Katie or Khan?’ the answer? oh about 430 am (sigh)

the appt is for 915 am. that means my PICKUP time is 8am since they tend to run early on morning pickups because it’s all about running that meter as hard and fast as possible till around 3 when they start dragging their heels like idiots because they just want to go home. (newsflash braindead, if you hate driving? don’t go into transportation!) which means to MAKE that, i need a full hour to get meds in me and kick in and an hour to knock the sleep out of my head and get dressed and have breakfast and since it IS that early, you can shunt everything BACK by at least 2 hours because of the damn car services. and if it’s as hot as it’s been next month? oh Gods, i’m probably going to need a bath because i’ll have been drowning in sweat all night. so. schedule would look like this…

430am wakeup have a seizure i need at least 1/2 an hour for that and they’ve started to become a regular part of waking up EVERY TIME I WAKE UP even if it’s just o have a quick pee at 3am!!! (yeah. so now you have a bit more of an idea about why i’m so flipped out lately. the process has begun. i’m dying.)

5am do the swish and spit thing for another 1/2 hour or so to get enough of the taste of my stomach bile out of my mouth that i can stand the taste of toothpaste without puking. this WILL promt another bolt for the toilet and my pet trash can especially tha early (i’ve been going through this for a couple months now)

6am i can finally take meds IF my stomach has settled. if not? well then its another all exits session which means i have to redo  the last 2 steps and by now i’ll be shaking and on the edge of another seizure. IF i can take meds, then i can make breakfast and that’s at least another 1/2 hour to 40 minutes. that leaves me just over an hour if i’m lucky to toss myself through the bathtub, put on tigerbalm, lotion and sunblock, do something resembling hair and makeup and get dressed. by THEN the damn car service will already be ringing my flat so somewhere in there i’m going to have to fit in ‘pack the usual stuff in my pack that i NEVER leave the building without. hell most of the time i don’t leave the flat without it.

so yeah suck city.

i didn’t get home from a 315 appt till 5fucking30!!!!and was so hot and exhausted that when i saw their car out front, instead of going upstairs right away, i knocked on Chris and Branden’s door ‘may i pretty please have a few minutes of air conditioning?’ and chris let me in, smiling and i told him the full story and we watched a couple eps of Kill La kill (weird ass show, but kinda fun. i prefer Black butler though.the art’s better. i REALLY hate that shitty dragon ball z cabbage patch kid art style. it’s lazy looking and stupid and being as i CAN draw? yeah. i’ll make that call and stand by it since i chose the media and style i did for it’s expediency because i’m too impatient to even mess with my acrylic paint muchlet alone work in metal or wood or ceramics … okay journal site WTF!?!! your editing stuff is glitchy as fuck this morning!) we made plans for today (i’m going down later with a notebook and pen and we’re going to set up the feeding schedule for the cats and things like that.)

i wobbled back up here at 637and was met by the official greeter enthusiastically (that’d be Zap)

whoa fuck. seizure interruption. fuckers are coming faster and more frequently. that’s my 3rd since i woke p at 512 this morning!

okay. i need to go get the trash out (which i should have done last night but Chris knows what bad shape i’m in and told me not to be silly when i appologized for making more work for him and told me to just get it down to the cans. he didn’t mind if he has to drag a partly filled 1 back to the car park. (my friends ROCK!) before it gets over 90 again we’re looking at 97 today in fucking june in s. ohio no less. a HOT day is usually more like 70’s in june around here! and it’s meds time (4 pill day remember) so. i really doubt i’ll get much more in here today. i’m really not up to dealing with bad memories right now when i’m making so many new ones.



shit! right. knew i was forgetting something. when i was waiting for the car service, a girl came out and was asking me what the deal was having overheard me talking to Jerry in the lab about MTSR and wile we were talking and sucking on peppermints (which is when i had those 2) a diminutive portly gentleman in dress slacks and shirt and tie (with cuffs buttined no less in 98 degree in the shade heat! yoiks!) and asked the 2 of us what we thought about him trying to mpliment something where we could set up either an honour snack table or music for the waiting room or something (really is the most boring waiting rom i’ve ever waited in) which both of enthusiastically agreed to (she mentioned TV i suggested music LOL) and i when he mentioned asking Murkarrum about it, i suggested that because of his nationality (please. his last name is Khan!) he specifically mention that there could be vegetarian or even vegan options (the guy’s original suggestion was a folding table and a G. F. grill right after i mentioned yesterday on here how sucky it makes food taste LOL) like tofu dogs. he went ‘oh yeah. Khan’s like Smith over there.’ i nodded ‘and Patel or Patil is like jones’

but he stood there and talked to us (mostly me) for a good 1/2 an hour with NO reference to my hair colour, piercings tattoos or hippy clothes (batik babydoll dress. i’m not gothing out in 90 degree weather!) and HE specifically came over to talk to ME. honestly at 1st i thought he was site manager or something along those lines, but nope. just another patient and fellow Leo as it turned out. told ya. we’re a gregarious sort. actually he put it really well. the girl started to introduce herself not wanting to bust in on what probably looked like a private conversation between a managerial type and a woman she already knew was in kind of a grouchy mood (but trying to put on a good face about it now that that bit was over) ‘oh it’s NO offense MEANT AT ALL, but if you tell me, i’ll just forget. i’ll remember your face, but names go right through 1 side my head, get eaten by the squirrel that runs on his treadmill in there and shit out the other side.’ i busted up laughing and he grinned at me. me ‘yes! THAT”S PERFECT! the squirrel!’ (clapping and bouncing in my seat, laughing) ‘and it’s a busy little son of a bitch hopped up on caffeine pills too, isn’t it?’ that made both of them bust up laughing and he said ‘oh i NOW! i’d say i wanted to find a way to cut him offbut honestly i’m so used to it by now i wouldn’t know how to live any other way!’ i nodded ‘fellow firesign? another Leo perhaps?’ he winked at me. uh huh. thought so.

so yeah. not everyone looks at people that are different and treats them like shit. and as he said ‘don’t stress over it, honey. the bad ones just make the good ones more enjoyable.’ very VERY true. oh unamed diminutive portly gentleman with white hair and mustache and beard. and thank you for reminding me.

okay. now i HAVE to go get this damn trash out.

One thought on “the promised rant”

  1. great news! that 11am pain killer is kicking in and while i was re-reading over this? I GOT HUNGRY!! snagged that stale ass croissant and have eaten almost another 1/3 of it, but i’m making myself put it down for now because i’ve eaten so little for so long that i don’t want to make myself sick because food suddenly isn’t making me sick and overdo it. see, i’ve had horrific diarhea (or however the fuck you spell it… the runs.. the shits.. the hershey squirts LOL you know what i mean) for the past 3 days and have lost SO much weight over the past 3 days from that and puking and not being able to eat that my red plaid flannel boxers that i wear as shorts (with the flap sewn shut LOL) almost FELL OFF ME as i was crutching my way from the van to the front door of the pharmacy! so i guess i have a new sewing project. darting the damn shorts! (darting is when you make a tuck/fold in the material that pinches/cinches it in at the area needed.) but hey! at least i’m finally eating.

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