Hm. I guess my ativan just kicked in because I’ve stopped sobbing. It feels better but not at the same time. Mostly because I know that this calm feeling won’t last and nothing is better. I’m getting worse. I’ve been thinking about it more and more. I made a bucket list today. I really want to get at least one this crossed off before I do it. If I do just one then I would be ok to go ahead. A part of me just wants to pack a bag and go and never come back. But I’m not brave enough to do that. I wish that I was. I just want to make sure that she’ll be ok without me. Because if she gets worse and it’s my fault I would never forgive myself. Hopefully she’ll be ok. I would leave her all of my money and she wouldn’t need to worry about paying me back or anything. She could use it on a nice vacation and spa day and massage. She deserves that.
I used to believe in praying. I would pray and God would help me and guide me. But it’s not like that anymore. I’ve been praying and praying and praying and nothing has helped me lately. Maybe I’ve used up all of my prayers. Maybe there are more important people out there who need help. And that’s fine. And that’s probably true and I guess I don’t want anything bad to happen to those people just because I am sad and I am alone.
I keep hoping that one day it will all just get better magically. It never does. It gets ok then it gets worse then ok and then even worse than before.
There’s this scene in the show The Affair where Cole is telling Alison that maybe things aren’t getting better because it’s their deceased son’s way of telling them that “if he can’t be here, then we can’t either” and it made me think if I have been praying to God for so long to help me and he’s not helping me then maybe it means I shouldn’t be here. Sometimes I wonder.