I feel a little better today. Maybe because no one is around to make me feel bad today. I still feel angry but not as sad. I’m angry because I hate how nothing changes. How people let things keep going wrong and don’t say anything because it “isn’t polite” or “isn’t going to work anyway.” How would you know if you don’t try. Is sweeping things under the rug and letting people get away with bullshit better than calling people out and being honest. But doing that makes me the bitch. And you know what, so be it. I’d rather be a bitch than be like them.
Sometimes I wish I was an only child. That makes me a terrible person, I know. But my brother has been such a pain in my butt ever since I can remember. He’s my dad’s favorite and he’s the biggest cry-baby I’ve ever known. Biggest physically too. Every time when we were kids or even now if I even said anything that was slightly “mean” or whatever to my brother I would get in trouble. Because y brother was so sensitive he would cry and I would get yelled at. I then learned well fuck, if I get in trouble for joking around with him and talking to him well then I just wont talk to him at all and then I can’t get in trouble. So that’s what I’ve been doing. And for the most part it works. But I guess that’s why I feel so detached and why I feel like I can say I wish I was an only child without feeling like I’d be missing something. Most of my friends even forget I have a brother because I never talk about him or mention him or anything. I hate the way my dad babies him but I’m also glad it’s not me. My brother is 25 and doesn’t know how to do much on his own because my dad never lets him. My dad does everything for him from heating up his food to waking him up everyday. It’s sad really. And it’s sad that my brother or issues about my brother is why my parents fight. My mom tries to get my dad to stop babying him and my dad gets defensive. It’s insane. I feel like I live in an asylum sometimes.
I would move out but I’m afraid to leave my mom. I don’t know if she would be ok here without me. Not saying I’m like her savior or whatever. I’m not at all and sometimes I know I’m part of the problem, but I mean like we escape them together and go shopping and go out and have fun. And without someone to escape with sometimes I don’t know if she would do it on her own. But then again I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m trying to look for places I can move. Maybe that’s why I think just leaving altogether would be easiest.
I keep asking God to help me figure out what to do and I still don’t have any clue.