So the other night, after I got home from my trip to Ohio, Sir and I were fucking. While we were fucking, He asked me to tell Him about my weekend. I thought it was a little odd because I feel like ‘traditional couples’ talk ‘everyday conversations’ when they have sex and we are not a ‘traditional couple’ per se. Plus, He’s never really asked me to ‘talk’ to Him while we fuck. I’m not opposed, it was just unexpected.
Anyway, I was telling Him about my visit to an old friend of mine. I was tired and she lives in Somerset, PA, which is on the way home. So I stopped. I was super tired so she made me coffee (which I was punished for because I didn’t remember to get approval from Sir first and then I also didn’t tell Him about it afterward.) We had a nice visit. I’m telling you this because it leads to the main reason for me writing this journal entry.
As we are fucking, I’m telling Sir that the girl I stopped to see, Jane*, is one half of a couple that really wants to play with me. We’ve talked about her before but I wanted to refresh his memory. I mentioned that Jane* would love Sir. My words were “Oh, Jane*, would love you.” The subject changed for a brief moment. Then Sir asked me, “Why would Jess love me?” My response could have killed me. My response was “Because, I love you.” After that, I had no idea how to act. I just kept riding his cock and holding Him close. I didn’t talk again until He spoke to me. I don’t even remember what was said, all I could think about was what I had said.
Even though I didn’t come out and say, “Sir, I love you, or D, I love you.” I still meant what I said; however, I did not intend to say it anytime soon. It’s very important for me that Sir knows I did mean it; however, it was not intentional.
I’m going to try and explain this the best that I can, so bear with me. This is my opinion, not the opinion of all the submissives in the world, obviously.
For me, there has to be a deep connection for me to submit to someone. If that deep connection exists, as well as other qualities I look for in a Dom exist, I would consider submitting to that person. I have only ever submitted to 3 men.
The first gentleman is an amazing person and really helped me get started on the right track into this BDSM journey. I am forever grateful for my experiences with him and all of the insight and knowledge he shared with me. He asked ME for advice the other day!?!?! That made me feel amazing because he’s been in the scene about 7 years and I’m still a newbie.
The second Dom I submitted to was a mistake. We’ll chock this up to being new to the scene. He seemed to be this amazing person and it turned out to be just a front. No job, No goals, No money, living with his parents at the age of 41…He was not honest with me and you cannot build a relationship off of that. Especially a D/s relationship. I was building a relationship with him based on things he told me, simple things, that weren’t even true at all. How could I trust him to safely ‘hurt’ me? How could I trust him to teach me anything? How could I trust that he could help my future grow when he didn’t even how what he was doing with his own life? It’s amazing the difference between what people sell you and what they actually have to sell…he was selling me the world and he didn’t even have a piece of it. I still feel stupid for giving my submission to him. I still feel betrayed. I immediately ended it when I found out via Fet!!! that he had acquired a new submissive that would allow him to explore his Daddy Dom side (One of our negotiated agreements was that he would only have one submissive at a time). I wanted to warn her what a horrible Dom he was but I figured, he’s not the type to actually hurt someone (though I really don’t know for sure with all the misleading), so maybe she will get some life experience by having a shitty Dom story to tell down the road…(Still not sure if this was the right choice for me…but it is what it is.)
The 3rd gentleman I’ve submitted to is D. He is perhaps the most amazing person I’ve ever met. He really is the type of person I aim to be when I grow up. I happily and proudly submit to Him because He’s worth it. I’ve learned more from Him in the past 10 months about life, relationships, and myself, than I have in the past 10 years. It really is amazing how one person can touch you and change your life. I’m so grateful to have this experience with Him and I’m not taking it for granted. Almost daily, He makes me feel like I’m the only other person in the world. I’m not used to being treated this way. I’m slowly learning that I deserve to be treated the way He treats me. And I’m worth it too. He knows what to say at just the right time. He supports me. He vocalizes his thoughts. He has an amazing mind and body. He’s great with my kids. He’s the type of person the world needs more of.