Well here goes…
Not sure whether anyone will ever read this…
Overcoming an eating disorder is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. This is a bold statement considering how many hard things I have had to do at the young age of 26. Well is that young? Sometimes I feel as if I am getting old. I get mad at myself and wish I would have accomplished more. Wish. That’s something that we all do but how productive is that…really? What if we took the word wish and just simply transformed it into a goal.
Sounds great right? But for so many including me it seems I am stuck in a pit looking upwards at what I WANT but I have no idea how to get there. Especially with ANOREXIA>>>
Is it a coping mechanism.
Well of course…..
Of what kind. So many of us struggle with body image… but from me its been a way to numb my emotions, temporarily and falsely avoid pain and trauma from sinking into my soul. Life got to a point where I felt I needed to remake myself; leave this body- The body that I Have and person I am has lived through too much and I couldn’t take any more pain. I didn’t want to transform into someone unhealthy…. that person that self sabotaged… so I chose to not become someone else, but i’m noticing I in place subconsciously chose to let myself fade into the background and self hate entered my soul instead.
If I were talking to a friend it would be so easy to tell them that they need to eat because without food they will starve and eventually get to a point where they are so weak they wont be able to do any of the things they love to do. But my talking that I do to myself is NOT the way I talk to a friend.
This goes so much deeper. But mentally I am exhausted. For 6 days now I have been forced ( I chose to attend the treatment center) however it is mandatory to finish all meals- to eat breakfast lunch and dinner at the calories that my body needs. Emotions come back like opening a floodgate. Pain re-enters my body, trauma sinks back into memory. I was only fooling myself thinking that my pain was lessened. It was lessened from Anorexia. I wasn’t feeling ANYTHING>positive or negative. I didn’t feel like me any longer…but that’s what the point was right? To remake myself because ME could no longer handle the world. Eating again brings back all memories and pain ten fold. Handling all those emotions while feeling the physical pain that s accompanied by beginning to eat again and feed my body makes me wonder; hour by hour- “Can I really do this?” “Am I strong enough”
“I know you’re bleeding but you’ll be ok…
hold onto your heart
don’t give it away…”
-Florence and the Machine