this is getting old

o woke up this morning delighted that the weather had finally broken. it got down to 57 last night and i had to turn the fan off and get under light covers for a change.

then when i woke i had good news bad news. the good news? since i finished a repair to an old fave pair of trousers (high water bell bottom cut almost more culottes i guess dyed deep blue twisted with both midnight and azure-yeah they are cool looking!- with embroidery and mirrors sewn into the cuffs and they have fucking POCKETS! more women’s clothing needs working pockets damnit) last night and it was positively nippy (what i jokingly refer to as a tit-bit nipply out. ‘when it feels like you’re being dragged down the street chest 1st, and male OR female you feel like you could cut glass with your nips? THAT’s cold!’ so since i’d already worn the Indian import batik babydoll dress with dancing Shiva on it yesterday (and since i have no one to impress even on sweltering days, i usually wear an outfit for 2 days sometimes even 3 in a row. hey, i do a sink bath pits face etc little deoderent -really? how the hell do you spell that?-and or a spritz of lilac scent or honeysuckle lavender. i’m not a complete barbarian though admittedly by the original definition of the word, my greek IS limited to insults and medical terminology LOLOL) yeah. perfect. i’ll wear that if i can even get into the damn trousers. i could. in fact (and here’s the bad news) i’ve lost SO much weight through a combination of not being able to eat, sicking it up when i did try to eat and on the rare occasion it DID stay down, shitting myself inside out 5 minutes after i ate, that they’re as PERFECT a fit as when i bought them FOURTEEN YEARS AGO when i was still in such good shape dipshit evil dad was letting me be the face of fitness front desk at Waycross Court Club.

i mean, i’m glad they fit so well again (going to have to dip into the back of the wardrobe for a few things i couldn’t bear to give away LOL might be able to scrounge up a few last really slick gothy picks to post here.) but after struggling to take off the 80 pounds i put on because of Mitchell Simons pill pushing bullshittery back when this STARTED back in 2007. that is damn near 8 years and i was about 30 overweight when it started because i put on 30 every time i was benched for knee surgery (of which there were 5)and then lost it again a few months afterward because happy to be back on my feet again i’d throw myself back into dancing and training and rehearsing. i’d finally got back to that about 30 over what i wanted (i don’t do the skeletal thing. not with my gargantuan chest! when i did get close to that at 1 point my friend Darrell dubbed me ‘boobs on a stick’ and promptly took me out for a massive platter of biscuits and gravy and wouldn’t let me get up till i finished it LOL) which meant while i COULD get the blue trousers on? i looked like an overstuffed sausage in them and any attempt to sit would pop the patches off them (which for the record is why they were in the repair bin! i’d popped a seam on the ass about 6 years ago, patched them then tried to wear them again 2 summer’s ago and popped my patches!)

if i was some vain shallow fluff-brain, i guess i’d be cheering. but as it is? it just worries me all the more. my clock’s running out. need to get this work DONE!

but so i wake up delighted the weather broke and that it’s cool enough that i might be able to actually EAT, but knowing all i’ve had for the past 2 days was an egg whipped into a 6 oz cup of milk, a tuna sandwich (and it was just tuna and a dab of mayo on wheat), an egg and slice of cheese on a slice (the last of the loaf) of wheat and 10 oz glass of milk, and 3 slices of italian bread with a little butter. end of total menu (though i drank 4 sodas, about a gallon of water, a pot of tea and 2 mugs of chamomile as well over those 2) i decided 2 slices of toast glass of milk 1 sunny egg and 2 sausage links. i ate the sausage and the white of the egg and have lost anything resembling an appetite. damn. i’ll spread the yolk on the toast and force myself to eat that for lunch maybe and i’ll drink the milk (and will probably regret it) and i have tea steeping, but no. it wasn’t the heat. i just can’t fucking eat.

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