learning to be lonely

Last year, five days before my twenty fourth birthday, my husband of over seven years asked for a divorce. I wasn’t too shocked, I wasn’t devastated.  I was more shocked that he was giving up first. Our marriage sucked. He had many issues he wasn’t ready to deal with, lots of anger at the world and at himself. In short, he was a horrible husband. Now I’m not saying that I was the perfect wife because god knows I wasn’t.  But I did try. I forgave a lot…. too much. I stayed and tried and prayed. It didn’t matter in the end because he had the courage to do what I could not… leave. Its been over a year now since he told me he wanted out. It’s been a few months since he moved away ( he hit a rough patch, and stupid me I let him sleep on my couch for six months and live off of me until he finaly moved away. Yes , I know I am a moron.). Now he is living a few states away, has a good job, has moved on, and he is happy. I am still here,  still doing the same thing I have been doing for years, still stuck in the past. I don’t know how to move on. The thought of being a single twenty five year old mom scares the hell out of me. I’m too afraid to get out and live life and yet I am nearly drownding in loneliness. I always said that I was strong enough to be alone. I hope I wasn’t lying. I don’t want to be that woman who can’t be alone. I don’t want to be that woman who will take less than I deserves just so I won’t be alone. I need to learn to be lonely, to know that sometimes it’s better to be lonely than to be unhappy or in an unhealthy situation. I need to learn to accept being lonely and then learn to not be lonely on my own. It’s so much harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel so damn pathetic and disgusted with myself.  I know that I can do it. I know that I can be okay alone. But I still let it hurt.  This is hard, this learning to be lonely. ..

2 thoughts on “learning to be lonely”

  1. You are not alone, God is guiding you. I would really like to chit chat with you… I’m 21 years old and could use a lot of advice.

Leave a Reply