Time just keeps ticking along regardless of how much we want it to stop or fast forward. Living for the day can be the braviest/smartest/dumbest think to do. Yesterday is gone, it’s just a memory, and tomorrow, who knows. Who knows who will be here. Yesterday becomes last week, then last month, then last year, to just some memory in the past. Why do lost loved ones haunt me so bad? To see my children growing, my life continuing, makes me sad to think of those who aren’t still in it, to think of those who are now just a memory. Loosing Matt when I was 17.. Still is hard. Wondering what he would have been like as an adult.. I think him and Jamie would have really liked each other, but are so humble. Nothing! Nothing! Has ever hurt as bad as loosing him. Why do we as humans struggle with death so much? To live is to die, it’s one of only a few guarantees in life. We will die, but yet when somebody does, we are shocked with grief. Thinking back to when we were planning our wedding. Such a happy time in our life. Seeing our save the dates, pictures when we were still so nieve to life. Young and in love. So wrapped up in each other we didn’t have a care in the world. Who would have thought meeting Jamie that night, he would become my husband.. Who would have thought it would have went the way it did. That night. Oh that night. Another young life lost to alcohol.. That night none of us had a clue the horror that was ahead. So much was taken that night. Why am I so selfish? Why do I feel the need for a vow renewal ceremony? Why? Why must I want the attention for Jamie and me?? Stephen died as of a result of our love! How dare I, think I “deserve” a ceremony.. I should be ashamed of myself.. I am a fucking joke. A stupid selfish attention seeking little girl! Was loosing him not enough? My love, the Planning of my ceremony killed my little brother. I deserve nothing!! I should be grateful I have love and a family. Why want more? Why can’t that be enough?
I really stuggling with anixety and self esteem. I have ADHD. Ive lost 3 brothers- 1- car wreck 2003, 2-car wreck 2008, 3-overdose 2014. Jornaling helps me sort out all the swirling thoughts in my head. I find comfort in it and use it as a tool to work through my emotions--But i suck at grammar and spelling. Im happily married to an amazing man.. I'm a mom of 3. My favorite parenting quote is "the days are long but the years are short". My son M was just recently diagnosed with several learning disorders- dyslexia, combo add/adhd, anixety, and a written impairment.