First steps

I finally came out with my disorder. I be again by asking my grandmother if she suffered from depression and what level. She said severe. I do know that depression is common and also hereditary. She answered my question followed up by one of her own. She asked me why I would ask. I explained to her that I believe I may have mild to severe bipolar expression. First thing she said to do was to talk to my mother to get help from a professional. Does no one understand that I can’t talk to my mother on a personal level? I can only talk to her through my mask. The mask that I have mastered over the years just for her. To be able to keep up a normal conversation and make it to the age of eighteen until I can escape. My grandmother then obliged to talking to her. She called her over the phone and talked to her in another room. I will be at my grandmothers for another day. In this time I am going to be mentally and physically preparing my mask for the insults that are to come. To the words that will come from my mothers mouth trying to prove me to be a liar to only be doing this for attention or medication if I am subscribed any. She probably will not take me and if that is the case my grandmother has agreed to take me if necessary. I focus in the saying bad things happen to good people. By bad I mean being born to mommy dearest 2. But I just can’t believe it anymore because I realize I’m not a good person just one if the unlucky people. I can’t be good if I have thought of harming myself or others. Especially others. I am not a religious person I don’t like to call myself an atheist because then I would be categorizing myself. That’s what religion does, it separates us by what we believe I’d right and wrong. Through the years I have been able to understand feelings I realize I don’t really have them. The only love I have is for my grandmother. A little is there for the father who was never really around but does try and the husband of my grandmother who I have put in the role for my grandfather. Other than these three people I have no other feelings besides hatred. I’m not a moral person. The thoughts that run through my head makes it impossible for me to be the good person that’s just in a bad situation. The different ways I think of killing her just be of riddance. Or the ways I think to kill myself, to just let her win and finally give in. I even think of ways to off them all, my siblings, her husband. These thoughts don’t make me the good person, they make me the spawn of a woman who never showed me reasons to love her. A woman who was never there when I needed her and now I don’t even want her. Then I think of MY future and that she had showed me something. She has showed me how NOT to live my life. To actually graduate high school unlike her and actually go to college unlike her. To get my education find the right man wait for the right time to have kids unlike her. All of these things she did wrong and it has affected me so many ways. I used to give her excuses. That maybe my grandmother raised her wrong. My grandma is a wild person and also had my mom at a young age. My mom has always kept me huddled up, has never really allowed me to live. I could t go out to see if I could actually make friends. I could even walk down our dead end road. I said to myself. Maybe she is just protecting me. Doing the things her mom need did for her. But mistreating me is a whole other story. She takes her rage out on me my siblings wrong doings is my fault. Everything I do is wrong in her eyes. So I’m done giving excuses. No matter how she was raised. She was a grown women when she had me and she had the choice to change the way she could’ve raised me, the way she lived her life. Instead she focused on the wrong things and is now a burden to me. Three more years to go and I won’t even say sayonara.


Leave a Reply