I’m sitting here, stomach full, and a box of Ephedrine on the table in front of me. I just got off the phone with my father, who seems to have some psychic ability to know when I am about to do something stupid. He asked me, point blank, if I was “taking any more of those pills.” Those pills. That’s what we call the diet supplements that landed me in a treatment facility. Emotions have never been his thing, and I know these conversations kill him. So, even as I am picturing myself taking them tomorrow, I tell him “No. I promise I haven’t taken anything.” And it’s the truth – I haven’t taken anything so far. I am an expert at manipulating my words by now so I rarely even have to lie.

So here I sit and remember my last therapy session. I planned to give 110% towards recovery. I’m going away to school soon and I need to get better. The pressure is suffocating me. Already I am bargaining with myself. I will just take them for 2 weeks. That’s enough time to lose 10-15 pounds. Then I’ll throw them out.

I know that this is not a good plan. This is a huge step backwards in my recovery. But it is the only choice that will let me sleep peacefully tonight.

One thought on “Crossroads”

  1. Kristen,

    This reads as a cop-out to me. You seem smart/experienced enough to know this already.
    love your self, as you are. Only then, will you encounter the love you deserve. Aswell, the love that deserves you.
    don’t let outside forces dictate who you think you should be. The right person will make you feel like the Goddess you actually are. At the front of that long line of people is you.

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