I’ve recently decided to take up some form of journaling, because I’m interested in seeing how I change as a person over time, and more importantly I’m worried about the depression I’m dealing with.
Since sophomore year of highschool, I’ve been lost it feels, I don’t really have the ability to not think about things, I can’t block shit out. I have to actively distract myself instead, play video games, listen to music, whatever. A lot of people who think that they’re depressed try to hide it, because people are scared of being wrong about how they should feel when given a stimulus. I’m not really, ore at least, I don’t hide it. I talk to my brother and my roommates about that shit all the time, and it just seems to drive me further and further into this weird, fucked up, fragile, little corner of social interaction.
It doesn’t come up everyday, or even in every situation, but people have a weird system when it comes to social interaction with me. Most of the time they will actively find a way to give me shit about something, I assume in an attempt to “temper” me, because almost immediately afterword I usually get something along the lines of a “Naa, I’m just joking man” or they just stop. Other times, when I start talking about my depression, or just get depressed around them and don’t put enough headspace into not letting it show, they sit me down and talk at me for half an hour like I’m a fucking whining child.
I don’t really think the anger I feel towards them is valid, because I don’t really take steps to stop it, because any sort of retaliation to that type of interaction is covered by the blanket system of ” He’s got depression.” Hard to argue with that even, may be right, but goddamn I’m tired of that, I’m not a glass doll, I don’t want to be pissed on or coddled, I want normal fucking social interaction.
Well, now that I’ve more or less broken the ice, I should probably get on to why I’m writing today. In highschool, I dated a girl named Alisha, and we eventually fell in love. I, naturally, was all in, so infatuated, and so emotionally based. We threw sense and reason to the wind, because we liked each others faced that fucking much. Well, the short story is that she found someone better than me, because I’m an atheist, and the new guy, Bailey, is more or less me, but he’s a christian.
Fast forward two years later, I’ve started down my road of depression (disconnected for the most part from this) gone through a shit-storm of a relationship with a girl named Megan, and gained about 30-40 pounds. Alisha is now engaged to Bailey, but also became a lot cooler and just generally more mellow. She and I are now both social outcasts, and are more or less the only friend the other person has. Naturally, I still have feelings for her, and I’d love to tell you more about it, but I am being pulled away by life, so this is it for now.
I’m going to go ahead and make this first entry, and maybe a few more, public. I’m interested to see if it gets any notice, and if it does I’ll be more than happy to talk about this some more, if not, I’ll go private and use it solely as a depression journal. I hope that someone can share their thoughts on this, I haven’t had much luck so far. Seeing as how I’ve given you a few topics about me, tell me what you want to hear more about, ask questions, that way I can give you more of what you want.
I’ll try to make my future entry’s a little less fucking massive.