Patting myself on the back via rambling

It feels like I’ve been seeking my rest and my solitude. It has been a gift to have friends out of town – it has given me a lot of space I wanted to work on myself and on my craft. Some exciting opportunities have come about and I’m feeling on an even keel about it, which is assuring. Finding myself overly excited makes me uneasy. It feels good to have a little more space and some breathing room to be me and to do things the way I like – without comment or critique.  

I have been reading a lot and doing more writing. I have been contemplative and reviewing the past. I have been saying thank you. I have been wishing and hoping. I have been practicing letting go. I have been playing with ideas. I have been meditating. I have been feeding people. I have been finding common ground with my mother.

I feel motivated and engaged. I feel legit and I feel like I’m working toward something of substance. It feels like my faith is being tested. I’m excited by the prospect of the future and while I do make and work toward plans, there is plenty of room for something else entirely to happen. And it probably will.

I read a quote today – it was a CS Lewis quote and it went something like : Day to day nothing seems to change, but when we look back everything is different.

I don’t know if I could have appreciated it any more than I did. I’ve enjoyed reviewing my past and I feel so grateful for the healing that has come over time and in some instance, in my review. There are situations I thought I’d never see the end of, or get over or feel better about and somehow, like magic, my ex is my friend again, a person I thought I loved is so far gone, I’m reconnecting with my family. It is amazing how much changes. It is inspirational and it is a reminder to keep at things. They seem to change when least expected. And they seem to be undetectable. 

I get to try again every day. The sweetest days are when something good hits. It makes every failure worth it because they were leading to the yes and it is a sweet yes. 

It feels good to write again. I’m allowing myself all the time and space to come back to it – sometimes I am impatient because I know I used to write more – every day. Besides not comparing myself to others, I realized I need to also not compare myself to me. All comparisons need to come to and end. Humans aren’t for comparison – they are for accepting. Comparing humans commoditizes them. It is like a compare chart when you’re looking to purchase a new laptop. We can’t predict everything and we can’t have a sure thing every time. It is part of our story to move through doubt and uncertainty.

I have come to welcome doubt and uncertainty. Sometimes it helps me move forward confidently. Sometimes it reminds me of things I have forgotten. And sometimes this mix livens things up when I’m feeling bored and dull. 

I’m entirely in love with myself and I’m fierce about my solitude. I love being generous to my friends and I want to heal and take my time with it. There is no reason to rush forward or frantically search for anything. I’m so grateful my life hasn’t turned out as I thought I would have liked it to – I can remember fantasies from 5 years ago, 10 years ago – I’m ready to admit that I’m not in charge here and it seems to be the way I like it. So let that go for a bit.

 

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