Sorry in the delay.

I believe last time we spoke. I had planned on telling my life story. Perhaps every detail that I could possibly remember.  I think I would like to start that now. Today I woke up, climbed out of a very uncomfortable bed, and I realized I had defeated depression and anxiety. It has completely left my life. Although I wish this had happened years ago, I’m still thankful its gone.  Looking back at the years behind me. I don’t recognize the person I was.  In fact, I feel terrible for being the person I was.  I’ve grow into this calm, and giving man who people like.  I have lots of new friends and this coming week I have an interview for a job I’ve always wanted.  Although I’m afraid. If and when I get this job I’ll be moving out of state and more than likely to never return.  Wait, I’ve said too much. Let me back up a little.

A few years back, I was unhealthy. Failing at nearly everything I did in life, suffering in a broken relationship with someone I loved more than I loved myself. I only felt pain and anger.  I was living upstairs in my moms house. I had the most beautiful girlfriend ever.  She meant the world to me.  We fought and argued a lot and, I think most of it was from us being young and dumb. I had separation anxiety and I lashed out quite often. She had several problems of her own as well. Neither of us were great, but together we were the perfect team.  It’s sad that we didn’t work out.  I made her hate me, so she would go on and live the life I couldn’t give her.  I fucked up too many times and I couldn’t ask her to wait around while I found myself.  I literally missed her so much I couldn’t sleep.  I even almost attempted suicide the pain was so great.  She was in my dreams every night for over a year. I would wake up to this cold empty bed. All I could do was think of how much I missed her and how I would have done things differently. Then again I’m not that guy anymore, and she showed me she wasn’t that girl.  I intentionally pushed her away. I just wanted to have the life I couldnt give her. She deserved a man that could provide for her. Not a guy who had such severe depression and anxiety, that he would sit and suffer and hide himself from the world.  I loved her more than I loved myself. Ultimately, I let her go be free.  Silently watching and protecting her, praying for her at night that shes okay. Yet everyday I checked my email and messages with a sigh and a sad face when I knew she would never reply again.  I thought to myself, I know this is right. I know I had to push her away.  It feels like I slapped god in the face though. Although life is a learning experience.  I know now that she’s happy and that makes me feel good inside although it does hurt.  I’ll always care about my old bestfriend. She still means the world to me, even if it is too painful to speak to her again. The old saying used to go if you love something set it free, and it comes back its meant to be.  Maybe ten years down the road or maybe in the next life we’ll get it right. I’m sorry I wasn’t the  man I am now.  The boy who was broken and lost has become this man whose strong, smart, and caring.  I’m not afraid to show my heart anymore.  I even have family tell me how sweet Ive become. It feels good to hear from people who used to dislike me.  In the next year, some really big things will be happening.  In fact don’t be surprised if you see me on the news. I’ve got so many things in the works. My inventions became working inventions.  I began singing and met up with my oldest bestfriend from when I was 4. I play guitar better than I ever have and he is my lead. We have a band now and we have played shows in full makeup and costumes. It was blast and we were getting cheered on. It was the best feeling ever.  I’ve never been so clear minded or so calm.  Something bigger than me and greater than me.  Everything I do is for love. Everything I used to do was for pain and hurt.  I have spent the last year getting to know myself, locked up alone without leaving the house for months on end.  When meditating, I seen everything I ever needed to see.  Love is all you’ll ever need in life. All this good is happening, but I still wish I could have been this man 5 years ago.  I suppose life is a lesson and stepping stone.  If I had to sum up what I’ve learned, I would say Everything Changes.  You can’t resent and be angry. Only thrive and understand and most of all ALWAYS love. Never hate.  Love one another and never be selfish. Always love each other.  If this is my last year on earth I want to make it count.  I am tryin to live every day although it is my last.  I plan on sky diving in September to defeat my fear of heights. (which I’ll need considering I’ll be flying soon) lol. I will continue this story later. It’s the forth of July and here I am rambling about.  I hope you all have a blessed year. Make it count and do good for others. God bless you all.

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