I am so glad my last love left me. I didn’t realize how twisted up I was about things – everything seemed to matter immensely and my brain was like a hamster wheel. It was one of those insane, abusive loves. The addictive kind that are hard to shake. I heard a Taylor Swift song and there is a lyric “ten months sober i must admit just because you’re clean don’t mean you miss it” – and I had to admit to myself that I miss him. I didn’t want to because I wanted to be stronger and move on faster. I wanted to be detached and I wanted for this person and the time they were in my life to not matter, but he did and it was important time.
There are some feelings I want to remember from the time I spent with this person. I was able to weed out more of what I want and don’t want in my romantic life. And it seemed to be the final iteration I needed to get intense about myself and spending time with me.
I’m amazed when I think about the change in my attitude in the last two months. I’m proud of myself for trying for it, though. And I’m proud of meeting this person cold, getting to know them, spending romantic time with them, and getting away from them in under a year. It shows me that I am becoming more discerning and taking action faster than I used to – my
head ego goes to crazy places and I do crazy things sometimes, but when I catch myself I see the insanity and I’m nice to myself about it. I’m grateful for this talent.
From a conversation with a friend today I had a new thought – I must have left an impression on some people so that they have a vivid-out-of-body-memory experience because there are people who had impressed upon me so strongly. Sometimes a smell will come about and I’m flooded with detailed memory. Small slices of an old movie replay and they are mostly wonderful memories.
Sometimes even pleasant memories are painful to relive. When this happens I sometimes try to get these memories off me like sweater that’s been lit on fire. But it is usually futile – the more I wrestle, the hotter the fire and the more confusing the sweater. Chinese finger trap. I am trying to get better at sitting with these kinds of things, but sometimes it is so hard because it means you’re having to be really honest with yourself about your methods.
When I was with this person it felt like I was always being tested “without my knowledge”. It is like he thought he was clever. And he was, but not as clever as he thought. In retrospect I see a selfish robot disguised as a human being. And I immediately say, this might not be what I mean but they are the words I choose to use. His insecurities are crystal clear now and I can see that he was scared.
Operating from a place of fear usually doesn’t turn out. I don’t want to be scared any more. I want to be confident and strong.